Everyone’s favorite plumber with a ‘stache certainly has a lot going for him. From undefined relationships with princesses, to rivals that are literally anti-versions of him and his brother, he’s been around and done a lot of things. However, you may also remember him from his original moniker. No, not Mr. Video, though that’s pretty awesome and could have taken his career down a wildly different path.
Jump Man.
And from that first button press, we got to know what he was all about: landing on enemies. This almost always leads either to success or to death. At this point, he is up to around 400 enemies that he has bested. That is one championship jumper, not counting all of the alternate realities where he fails. That’s another rabbit hole that we may jump down someday.
With such an incredible kill count, ranking every one would be insane. Right?
Yes, it would. That’s why I’m doing my top and bottom 10 here.
Bottom’s up!
Top 10 Worst Enemies to Jump on
10. Piranha Plant
I know what you’re thinking. “How could a plant that literally tried to eat anyone above it be ranked lowest on this list?” Well, fun fact: they are weak little guys. They only have the strength to pop out for a second or so at a time before going back into their hermit holes. So with the right timing, these could actually be fun to just barely miss! But they’re still super likely to chomp on you, so onto the list they go.
9. Count Down (and his Ring-a-Dings)
You’d think that smashing snooze on an annoying alarm clock would be satisfying. Unfortunately, not with these bozos. First, look at that shape. You’d slip right off instead of having a satisfying stomp. Second, they fight as a group and not only cause status ailments, but cast powerful magic against you. The only reason they’re not higher on the list is that they are actually weak to jump attacks. If you meet them in a dark alley, hope that you can get the jump on them before he turns you into a mushroom.
8. Bramball
Getting an accurate jump on these guys is admittedly great, but if you aren’t great with precision, you’re in for a pretty bad time. Not only is the target small, but it’s constantly on the move, covering its vulnerable area. Giant spike wounds are 0/10, not recommended.
7. Fuzzies
Nobody knows what they’re made of or what dark thoughts exist behind those dead eyes. Love, hatred, lost, murder? One thing is for certain: if you jump on one of these, your pants are going to have a strange, dark, fuzzy stain. Explaining that away should be fun.
6. Mad Piano
You’d think that jumping on a piano would be great fun. In most cases, you’d probably be right. Unfortunately, in this case the piano would rather chomp you out of the air as a snack. Perhaps you should have finished your piano lessons, they probably covered this.
5. Fryguy
Look, even under normal circumstances, jumping into fire is gonna be a bad time. When the fire is sentient and wants to murder you by spitting out fireballs as well? No level of SPF is going to make that jump worth it.
4. Thwimp
Unlike Thwomp, which can sometimes be jumped on, this little dude cannot. Not only that, but despite what the name suggests, they boldly jump up at you as you try to get past them, often straight into your nethers. You’d better know where the nearest ER is.
3. Bomb-omb
You’re strolling down the street, and you see a walking Bomb. A Bomb that starts walking right towards you. What do you do? Jump on it obviously, what else would you do? Bad news, now it’s going to explode, and it’s your fault. How much is your liability accident deductible?
2. Chain Chomp
While they’re often portrayed as secured to a post, they will inevitably escape. If you try to jump on them, not only are you going to slip off of this metal doggo, but he’s going to bite you out of spite. Hope you have your tetanus shots up to date.
1. Boolossus
Imagine a Boo. Not that bad, right? Sure, you can’t jump on them without dying, but you can still run. Now imagine if they all ganged up on you as a giant ghost, and tried to jump on YOU. Nope.
Top 10 Best Enemies to Jump on
10. Goomba
You can’t go wrong with a classic. One jump ends their little meandering lives for good, and they aren’t too hard to target! Just don’t think about their families waiting for them at home.
9. Fuzzy
Somewhat of an honourable mention, as you technically don’t have to jump on them, but why wouldn’t you? These things are a blast, and need to be added to more games. Remember: Touch Fuzzy, Get D I Z Z Y
8. Chargin’ Chuck
These jerky jocks love doing one thing: smashing into you. Have you ever been to a football game where a bunch of fans just keep ramming into each other? Those are all Chucks. They have evolved a lot of head mush, so it takes a few good bonks to take them out, but it sure is satisfying when you get that last one in.
7. Coin Coffer
These little hoarders are a bit hard to find due to their ability to cast the 2nd Level Illusion spell Invisibility on themselves. The good news is if you can find and catch them with a quick stomp, you’ll be awarded with their riches. Congratulations, you’re an even more successful mugger!
6. Lakitu
Let’s face it: If you’re good enough to get above a Lakitu, you’re gonna be flying high for a while. While this smug jerk may act all friendly as your cameraman or race offical sometimes, don’t forget: his day job is throwing spiked eggs at you. Get some revenge, it will feel sweet.
5. Whomp
If you time it right, Whomps are great fun to jump on. With an obvious weak point, you can get a nice satisfying sound from them. Considering the bandage, they do seem to get hit there often. Which begs the question: are they just letting you stop them for kicks? UNGH.
4. Dry Bones
What’s better than a satisfying jump on an enemy? A great sound to accompany it. Dry Bones has an excellent Clatter to his skeleton falling apart, and the best part is he’ll get back up in a few moments for you to have another go! Your fun will last as long as these bones do.
3. Rex
Finding Rex at the beginning of your Dinosaur Land journey is one of the best rewards you get. Not only does he have a satisfying squash, but he keeps up the effort even in that state! This nets you an extra jump, or if you’re good enough, a quick double tap. What a good sport.
2. Wiggler
Wiggler almost takes the top spot here. Not only is he fun to jump on, but when he gets mad, you can bounce on him infinitely! The fun sadly stops as soon as you touch the ground and he finally gets you back for all of the repeated stomps. Nothing lasts forever, I suppose.
1. Banzai Bill
Not much in this world would make you feel cooler than landing on one William here. Not only is it a giant bullet that is SPECIFICALLY out to kill you, but if you can show your skill, it goes down in a single hit! Chain a few of these jumps together? Watch out, we’ve got a badass here.
