BOSTON — As a long night of deck-building turned to an early morning, sources report a local gamer concluding his 300th run of Slay the Spire looked up in terror to realize it was now the year 2023.
“To tell the truth, I’m still at a loss with what happened,” said Nick Thresher, cradling his head and stroking a long, unkempt beard. “I was browsing through Steam one night despite my doctor’s warnings, and I came across a game that had just released in early access: Slay the Spire. It described itself as a roguelike deck-builder, which sounded like an interesting concept. So I downloaded it and started my first run. It still feels like just a few hours ago, but apparently that was November 2017. And now it’s 2023? Christ. Can’t wait to play Beyond Good & Evil 2 though.”
“I really have my mom to thank,” continued Thresher. “She never gave up on me. Here I am wrapping up what must’ve been my 300th run, and I’m in deep, I’m talking Act 3 Time Eater about to play my 12th card deep. I’ve got the world’s nastiest Claw deck on the Defect, I’m flying high with Torii/Tungsten Rod Combo, Ice Cream, Cursed Key, Happy Flower, I’m just drowning in energy. That said I’m also drowning because this is Time Eater and also I’m told I haven’t showered in six years. He’s about to nuke me and pop my Lizard Tail, when all of a sudden the door to my apartment bursts open and there she is: my mom, looking 10 years older from worry and also I assume aging six years. That’s when I look up and realize it’s 2023.”
Nick’s mom, Barbara Thresher, says it’s a miracle she found her son when she did.
“I had almost given up, I really had,” Barbara told reporters. “Nick hadn’t called or responded to my dog videos or broken Facebook links for almost three years, which was a little longer than usual. I knew something was wrong— I knew I had to start looking for him. I just never expected him to get lost in the genre-defining gameplay and complex card synergies of Mega Crit’s indie hit Slay the Spire.”
“After me and the authorities peeled Nick away from a Heart fight he was clearly losing, we started taking his vitals and asking him questions. Things like ‘What year is it?’ ‘Who’s the president?’ and ‘Is Twitter still called Twitter or is it something much, much dumber?’ Turns out, he had a lot of catching up to do. To be honest, I’m just happy to have my boy back.”
Slay the Spire’s developer Mega Crit Games was reportedly saddened to learn of Nick and his family’s tragedy, though not necessarily surprised.
“As game developers, you can’t help but feel somewhat responsible when something like this happens,” wrote co-founder Anthony Giovannetti in a statement published to social media. “Our art can have real-world effects. You can publish a game, and it might make someone’s day or inspire someone else to be a better person. But it might also cause a 25 year-old man to fall into a six year stupor in which the only fleeting moments of consciousness come from playing Snecko Eye or pulling Corpse Explosion in Act I. And that’s scary to think about.”
“I’m beyond proud of the game me and my team have developed. But that’s the risk that comes with addictive gameplay loops. We’ve created the perfect cycle of advancing up floors of enemies, drafting cards, and getting curb-stomped by the Heart on turn two no matter what you do. It’s a blessing and a curse.”
At press time, Thresher reported he was adjusting well to 2023 and dipping his toes into a large backlog of deck-builders and roguelikes inspired by Slay the Spire. He was last seen installing Hades on his Nintendo Switch with the intention of starting “one more run before bed”.
