Black Friday might as well be a holy day for us gamers. It’s the time of year when prices finally go down and we can rationalize getting more video games instead of bettering ourselves. It’s a sale, after all, and we’re getting a deal. No matter how many games we’re still currently playing, not buying more on Black Friday is a slap in the face to the consoles that love us more than our distant parents ever will. So to help me manage my time better, I’ve decided to rank all the games I bought on sale based on how likely it is that I’ll ever play them.
#12 — Redfall
HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
But to be serious, I just needed a spare Xbox game case.
#11 — Everybody 1-2-Switch
I’m not gonna lie, this was a last-minute impulse purchase. I saw the cover with the horse head guy and thought it was a sex thing and having recently watched Eyes Wide Shut I thought this could improve my chances to get invited to an orgy. I’ve since learned that it’s just a mediocre collection of mini-games that you have to play with other people, with no sex involved whatsoever. Since I’m a games writer, I have no IRL friends to play this with even if I wanted to, and if I’d rather not be waggling my joy-con alone at home all day. Hard pass.
#10 — Gran Turismo 7
To be honest, I’m not a fan of Gran Turismo. I’m a Forza guy. The last Gran Turismo I bought was Gran Turismo Sport and I returned that within a week. I might try this out eventually to see if it will make me a fan of the series, but I doubt it will. What I really bought this for is an emergency preparedness plan for if I ever become destitute. Should that ever happen to me, I will simply play this game for a bit. That will make me a better professional driver than anyone in the world, at which point I will prove to David Harbour that I’m not just some loser gamer and he’ll coach me to victory in the Le Mans race.
#9 — Hogwarts Legacy
This is another game I didn’t set out to buy. I heard there was a Nerf video game so I asked the dude at GameStop for that but I guess he misheard me and gave me the Terf video game instead. He threw it in the bag with all the other games so I didn’t notice until it was too late. I’ve never really been a big Harry Potter fan to begin with. I didn’t read the books as a kid, and I only saw the first movie which I didn’t like. All I know about it is that it’s popular enough for people to play polo while pretending to be flying on broomsticks without getting beaten up. The gameplay looks okay, but not something that stands out over the hundreds of other games I have in my daunting backlog. I might boot it up one day just to create a trans character and see if the game somehow crashes.
#8 — Dead Space
The main thing holding me back from playing this is the winter season. It gets dark really early now, and there’s no way I’m gonna play this while it’s dark out. I simply don’t have that many pairs of underwear to go through and I don’t want to do laundry all the time. By the time we change the clocks back to a reasonable hour, I may forget I even own this. Maybe if John Carpenter stops smoking weed and playing Assassin’s Creed long enough to make a Dead Space movie, that will be the reminder I need, but until then, there are simply too many variables.
#7 — Dreamworks All-Star Kart Racing
All hail the return of the mediocre licensed kart racer! A staple of my childhood has made its long-awaited return and I couldn’t be more excited. Now, I already own Mario Kart 8 and so do all my friends so there’s no way anyone is gonna play this with me unless I Buffalo Bill them, which I really would rather not do. I just want to feel like a kid again. I want to be transported to a time when cash grabs were enough to keep me entertained for hours at a time. Who needs therapy when you have terrible games that remind you of the innocence of your youth? So while in all likelihood I’ll never end up touching this, I may try it out solo just for my own sake. Then again, trapping my friends in a well until they play it with me doesn’t sound too bad.
#6 — Immortals of Aveum
This is the most “fake game from a movie” I’ve ever seen. The whole thing looks like a tech demo. Even the cover art looks like something from a fake poster in a different game. Even the name seems fake. Immortals of Aveum is the title of an in-universe fantasy series in something that didn’t get clearance to mention Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones. If you asked ChatGPT to come up with a cool fantasy game, it would probably be something like this. So naturally, I must have it. I must know whether it will live up to how fake it looks, or if it will end up being kind of cool. With that in mind, I have every intention to play this eventually, but with so many other games to play, it’s possible this continuously gets bumped down the list for all eternity.
#5 — Paw Patrol World
Paw Patrol, Paw Patrol, we’ll be there on the double
Whenever there’s a problem around Adventure Bay
Ryder and his team of pups will come and save the day
Marshall, Rubble, Chase, Chucky, Zuma, Skye
They’re on the way
Paw Patrol, Paw Patrol, whenever you’re in trouble
Paw Patrol, Paw Patrol, we’ll be there on the double
No job’s too big, no pups too small
Paw Patrol, we’re on the roll
So here we go
Paw Patrol, whoa
Paw Patrol, whoa, oh-oh
Paw Patrol
This game will be crap, will feature no challenge whatsoever and I’ll love every minute of its two-hour playtime.
#4 — Kirby’s Return to Dreamland Deluxe
I love Kirby and I’m sure you do too. He’s cute, he’s cuddly and he’s down to suck and blow literally anything and anyone. He can also kill God with relative ease and it’s nice to feel powerful in a video game sometimes. Kirby games are always charming, chill adventures. I’ve never played the original Kirby’s Return to Dreamland and have been meaning to get this for a while. I truly think it’s only a matter of time before I do get to this, but will all the other games I have to get through, it could be relatively soon or it could be years from now. It will happen eventually though. After all, video games are like relationships– sometimes you just need a big suck.
#3 — Starfield
Full disclosure, I have already played a bit of this on GamePass. When it first came out, I played it for five hours and stopped for other games. I fully planned to come back to it and that’s why I bought it. I love Bethesda games. I love their jank, I love their funny glitches, and I love exploring their worlds. I don’t care that they haven’t changed their design philosophy in two decades, I don’t care that every other game they release is Skyrim and I don’t care that Todd Howard most likely feasts on the souls of burned-out devs to maintain his youthful glow and cool pastor energy. I love Bethesda games and I’m sure I’ll love this.
#2 — Forspoken
No, Forspoken being ranked this high is not a joke, I am genuinely interested in playing this. It looks fun, I’ve always thought it looks fun. You can yell into your screen all you want about the dialogue, but I have a news flash for you: most video games, even the really good ones, have bad dialogue. The “Jill Sandwich” line from Resident Evil is celebrated among gamers, but this game having quips is supposedly a sin. I would say that’s maybe that’s because these quips are being delivered by a woman of color but gamers have never been known to show racial or gender bias so that couldn’t be it. I for one can’t wait to experience the exaggerated swagger of a black woman with magical bracelets.
#1 — Doki Doki Literature Club Plus
As much as I love playing games that have fun, dynamic gameplay, I also enjoy visual novels and this one just looks delightful. I’ve heard a lot of people praise this game over the years and it’s been on my radar for a long time. I’m super excited to play it because sometimes you just want to unwind and chill out with a cute dating sim. This looks like just the thing to help me destress. I can’t wait to play it and bond with all the characters, go on cute dates and just have a nice wholesome time. It’ll definitely help me wind down after a year of intense video games. I’ll probably even play it with my partner to try getting her into video games. She doesn’t really like them, she thinks they’re too dark and disturbing, but she enjoys cute innocent things like this so I think it’ll be a good gateway.
