TATOOINE — Reports coming from Mos Eisley indicate that the popular Cantina in town is finally loosening up it’s “Kill people if you gotta, but please no droids in here,” policy, sources have confirmed.
“I think it’s about time,” said Lars Sandstorm, a local moisture farmer. “Just last week I was in there and I saw a man get shot, and not two seconds later another man had his arm removed violently. Everyone literally went about their business like it was no big deal. Then a second later I watched security stomp a guy out because his R2 unit followed him inside. How is a robot in a bar any worse than constant beheadings and shit? I gotta get off this damn planet.”
The bar decided to loosen some of its longstanding discriminations after seeing a sharp downturn in business following COVID-19 lockdowns.
“I’m not happy about it,” said Wuher, the curmudgeonly but beloved bartender. “But we have to start servin’ their kind I’m afraid. We’ll serve anyone these days. You can get drunk, kill a guy, and as much as it pains me to my core, you’re now able to bring those god damn, dirty, disgusting droids in here. It makes me sick. But hey, come on by with your droids and check out our happy hour specials. Please.”
Some locals were resistant to the changes.
“This place is going down the shitter,” said Nop Nop, a local assassin that frequents the Cantina. “It’s overpriced, the service sucks, and this band only knows one god damned song. If this wasn’t the only bar on the planet, I’d go somewhere else.”
As of press time, a couple more guys fell into that damn Sarlacc pit out there in The Dune Sea. Be careful, everybody.
