CUPERTINO, Calif. — Noticeably disheveled and stoned, Apple CEO Tim Cook gave a bizarre and unexpected presentation earlier today, where he stressed the functionality of the Apple Pencil while preparing a marijuana cigarette, sources have confirmed.
“It’s not just for art and shit,” said Cook, appearing to go off-prompter. “You can use this thing for your weed, man. Fix up the end of the doober like this right here… Actually, I’m gonna fuck it up, but look at this video I took of my neighbor doing it. Do we have that video? Oh shit, I never sent that to the guys, did I? Can we call a fiveski on this presentation while I find my phone?”
The bizarre appearance fueled further speculation that Cook’s been using increasing amounts of recreational marijuana recently.
“It’s that late-in-life shit,” said Simon Underhall, an intern an Apple. “I’m not trying to harp on anyone for having a good time, but [Apple CEO Tim] Cook is just a lot to handle right now. Everyone around the office says he just got into smoking weed a couple months ago and that sounds about right for how he’s been behaving. He replaced all of the furniture in this whole place with bean bags, and there’s a giant bin of hacky sacks sitting out in the cafeteria now. It’s all just too much, you know?”
Users of Apple products said they were finding it increasingly confusing to follow the direction the corporation is going in.
“From computers to phones is one thing,” said longtime Apple fan Ryan Lowell. “But now they have a streaming service and I guess are trying to get into the competitive world of recreational pot? It’s just way, way too much. I mean, calm down, Apple.
As of press time, Cook had lost his place in the presentation and decided to start it again from the beginning.
