As we should all be aware by now; video games have followed in the footsteps of TV, movies, music, news, Oreos, swimming and methane and gone woke in every conceivable way. And not only the obvious ones, either! But just how woke? Well, here are the 10 worst offenders from what I can tell.
#1: Alan Wake
Used to be that Alan Wake was about a guy trying to discover the truth of his missing wife in the greatest place on Earth — Washington. It was a perfectly realistic plot we could all relate to, but now there’s some black chick in there too for some reason? And she’s also dealing with abject psychological horrors? Gimme a break, what do they have to be so scared about when so many of us brooding white guys’ wives keep disappearing? More like Alan Woke, am I right?
#2: Pokémon
The kids in Pokémon make far too much money for far too little effort. Every battle they win with their prissy little ducks and teddy bears nets ‘em like $500. What happened to working hard for what you earn?
By the time they get their 4th badge they’ve got the cash to pull their Pokémon out of the Day Care Center 1000 times over, and what do they spend their time in the Day Care Center doing? Breeding endlessly with gender-neutral Ditto. No surprise that thing identifies as non-binary, means it can get away with fucking every other snowflake freak in sight. If I had the badges for strong Pokémon, I’d use them to crush you like the little degenerate you are, Ditto. Alas, the only badges I have are from Vietnam. You’re welcome, bitch.
#3: The Last Of Us
I miss the good old days when The Last Of Us was just about this handsome badass learning to be a Dad again and stopping the zombie apocalypse all at the same time. Now it’s all lesbos kissing and playing guitar at each other. What happened to the violence? The badassery? The brutality? I didn’t even make it past the first kissing scene. I’m going back to Gears Of War.
#4: Gears Of War
Never mind. There’s a woman in it now.
#5: Life Is Strange
Life Is Strange was on the money once upon a time. Yeah, Life Is Strange. Teachers try and keep rogue students in line with a bit of tough love and get cancelled by the woke mob. People are identifying as any gender under the sun and dying their hair all the colors under the rainbow and we’re not even having red-faced, mouth-frothing meltdowns about it. Now it seems Life Is Strange has sided with those same snivelling libs after all. What a shame.
#6: Tetris
I don’t know. It just fucking has, okay? I just have a sixth sense for these things, I can just tell when they’ve gone fucking woke and this has. It’s woke. It’s fucking woke, it’s all woke.
#7: Horny Warp
I used to really dig the chicks from lesser-known classic Steam series Horny Warp right up until Hentai Fantasy when they all started dyeing their hair and identifying as plantfolk or succubi or whatever the fuck else. Yeah, alright ladies. How do I know you’re not gonna try and trans my gender or start demanding free healthcare? I’m going back to Tomb Raider for when I wanna get my rocks off, thanks.
#8: Tomb Raider
Or at least I would, if they hadn’t wussified that as well! Lara’s got less funbags nowadays and more emotional baggage. “Oh, my trauma! Oh, my pain! Life is so hard for me now that I’m some feminist stick figure who still takes no issue with stealing artefacts from indigenous cultures like the colonising harpie I am!” Big whoop, your job is hard and you’re not pretty anymore. I got my dick stuck in a bear trap for 3 days in Afghanistan and I’m probably hotter than you at this rate. Where’s my video game trilogy?
#9: Civilization
So there I am playing Civilization VI, having a great time, blasting my way through the middle ages with the greatest country in the world, America, when who should pipe up but Mahatma Gandhi, admonishing me for my “imperialist attitude” and threatening war with me for trying to colonise his territory? Hello bro? I’m trying to make you fuckin’ weirdos better! Give me another 1,000 years and I would have blessed India with the NFL and Totino’s Pizza Rolls, but nooo! This fucking guy nukes me! Typical left. Play the bigger man from atop your high horse and then atomise your entire country while you’re pillaging Ancient Egypt. This is why we can’t let them win.
#10: Bugsnax
Bugsnax used to stand for something. It was an allegory for war. What a soldier will do when pushed to his physical and mental limit. The things he’ll do to survive. I used to blast my way through commie traitors in the old Bugsnax on the PS1. I used to cave their faces in with my bare hands, I used to tear their intestines out and wear them around my neck as a trophy of my victory — the sight alone telling any man on the other side not to fuck with me. I felt seen. And then that new Bugsnax came out and I met Floofty Fizzlebean, the non-binary Grumpus of Snaxburg, and I realised the war had been lost long ago.
