WASHINGTON — Charles Martinet, previously known as the voice of Mario, is reportedly struggling with his new role as Mario Ambassador, particularly the responsibilities tied to socioeconomic and geopolitical Mario relations between the United States and Nintendo.
“I have to organize a meeting between Shigeru Miyamoto, Doug Bowser, and Joe Biden with the goal of discussing how much Mario is allowed to flow into the U.S. on a quarterly basis,” said a visibly stressed Martinet. “I thought this gig was just going to be attending conventions, signing plushies, and doing a ‘wa-hoo’ every time a fan asked. Now I need to meet with the Joint Chiefs of Staff to negotiate the military use of Mario during wartime!”
While Martinet was the voice of iconic Nintendo characters such as Mario, Luigi and Wario, he has frighteningly little knowledge of the ins-and-outs of the newly created Mario Ambassador role. Outside of previously portraying Mario in 2007’s Mario & Luigi: Political Panic, Martinet has no prior experience in international corporate relations.
“It was my understanding this was going to be a nothing job, basically a soft retirement. I think doing this is going to give me a heart attack,” continued Martinet. “I’m pretty sure Nintendo of America just declared war on Brazil because I blurted out ‘It’s a-me!’ to a question I wasn’t listening to during a Pentagon meeting.”
Shigeru Miyamoto, longtime Nintendo employee and visionary, went into more detail on the Mario Ambassador role during a special Mario Ambassador announcement video filmed at the White House.
“I’m gonna keep it real, when we created the Mario Ambassador role, we had absolutely no fucking idea what that meant or what [Charles] was going to be doing,” said Miyamoto during the Direct. “Now that we’ve developed the role a bit, I think the clear path is using Mario Ambassadors to spread Mario Political Ideology in different countries of interest to Nintendo.”
“After that, it’s just a matter of staging Mario Coups to put Mario Political Puppets into power,” Miyamoto continued. “We’ll discuss this more during a future Nintendo Direct, so stay tuned!”
Miyamoto ended the Direct by playing the Nintendo Company Anthem as a parade of Mario Soldiers marched down Pennsylvania Avenue.
