Everybody tells you how wonderful becoming a parent for the first time is, but what they conveniently leave out is how miserable your life becomes. All this thing does is just cry all day. I’m talking piercing, loud cries that will make any man go insane. Thankfully, I have a stocked up gaming room where I can go to escape it all. I’ve been playing every noisy game in my collection and I think I’ve cracked the code on which games are the best to play when the little one gets out of hand. So, here are the top 30 noisiest games you can play to drown out the cries of your newborn.
#30. Pac-man
Allow the rhythmic SFX to hyper focus your attention on filling Pac-man’s gut rather than your wife’s constant “shushing” to your little screeching offspring.
#29. Pokémon Red
Here’s my secret: Play with a Pokemon at low health and the music is sure to be annoying enough to ignore any wails coming from that “bundle of joy,” you named Greg.
#28. Any Madden Game
This one’s a two-for-one because you’ll be yelling so intensely at the TV that you’ll be unable to hear your son’s blubbering and make your wife think you’re watching football instead of playing those “childish” games she always complains about.
#27. PAW Patrol The Movie: Adventure City Calls
Sure, I felt guilty for playing a game given to me with the sole purpose of bonding with my “future gamer,” as my mom likes to call him, but wow does this game get noisy! The SFX, music, dialogue create the ideal cacophony to muffle the howls from said “future gamer.”
#26. Dead Space
Don’t be fooled by the silence in this game. The echoing rooms and piercing jump-scares will have your heart beating so loud you won’t even remember you had a kid in the first place.
#25. Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag
Sometimes I wonder if I had the option to inhabit another person’s life, I’d probably never come back. Jump in your ship and engage in any naval battle. The noise will be sure to distract you from the harsh realities of having to burp your baby on a daily basis.
#24. Super Smash Bros Brawl
This one can get pretty loud but what’s louder are the waves of nostalgia returning you to a time before responsibilities. Before mortgages, taxes, and anniversary presents. Man, those really were the happiest days of your life.
#23. Fortnite
The controller noises alone make it the perfect game to tune out the shrieks eroding your well-being.
#22. Sonic Adventure 2: Battle
This classic is filled with so much SFX and music, your gaming room will have a sound wave barrier protecting you from that little burden in the living room.
#21. Ratchet and Clank Future: A Crack in Time
Ah, time travel. What a concept. I usually spend my time collecting bolts as it’s the optimal commotion to mask the high-pitch reverberation of stinky diaper hour.
#20. Need For Speed Heat
Let your stress melt away with the powerful hum of a ’65 Ford Mustang. You can put the pedal to the metal and drive through the streets of Palm City without fear of repercussions or accusations of having a death wish.
#19. No Man’s Sky
My PlayStation gets so loud every time I start this bad boy up that it’s become my go-to white noise maker allowing me to get my much needed eight hours of sleep.
#18. Kingdom Hearts III
The key here is the situation commands. They’re excellent for concealing the attention seeking yelps your wife is so very susceptible to.
#17. Candy Crush
This is the perfect on the go game to briefly forget you’re going to be stuck on a six-hour flight with your screaming child next to you. Just make sure your volume is set to its highest setting.
#16. GTA V
Oh, how I miss the beautiful noise of the city. I moved my family to the suburbs to get away from it all and now it’s all I dream about.
#15. SSX Tricky
SSX Tricky is guaranteed to turn all that negativity into positivity. Next, you’ll be looking at that baby of yours like a human tech deck. Just don’t act on those impulses unless you want your wife to scold you. Believe me.
#14. Crash Bandicoot
Crash Bandicoot is full of so many fun noises and sounds that you’ll be smiling through all that obscene name calling your wife does on a near nightly basis now.
#13. Dark Souls 2
I finally went out and touched grass. Seriously, the grass in Dark Souls 2 is loud enough to quell anyone’s darkest thoughts.
#12. The Last of Us Part II
The emotional rollercoaster you’ll be put through will ensure your weeping will outshine his.
#11. Star Wars Episode I: Racer
Are you watching Star Wars: Episode 1 — The Phantom Menace for the hundredth time or are you just playing the PC re-release of Star Wars Episode 1: Racer? What the wife won’t know, won’t hurt her.
#10. Among Us VR
No matter who you play this game with, one thing is for certain, they will talk too closely into their mic. A few hours playing this game will turn any crying toddler into a purring cat.
#9. Double Dragon Neon
The blaring 80’s drenched soundtrack will engulf you like a warm blanket. So much so, you’ll fail to notice the babysitter standing in the doorway reminding you of your marriage counseling appointment.
#8. God Hand
With intense kicks and punches, God Hand will revitalize your belief in a higher power. You’ll be so busy shadow boxing you won’t even notice that wailing half-pint crawling into your personal space.
#7. Guitar Hero 3: Legends of Rock
Rock out and relive those childish dreams you had before the hard fist of capitalism beat it out of you. The nuclear family was once the idyllic image of prosperity, now it’s just the backdrop of a shrill reminder of that one time you didn’t pull out.
#6. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare
There’s nothing quite like the sounds of machine gun fire to quiet down the booming pangs of teething.
#5. Mega-Man Battle Network 6: Cybeast Falzar
Any ordinary person will go mad upon hearing the agonizing racket of the post-game music but if you’re like me and suffering with a case of Weeping Baby Won’t Shut-up Syndrome, it’s just what the doctor ordered.
#4. Dragon Ball FighterZ
The sheer cacophony this game produces will definitely make you forget that your son has Colic and is on hour three of non-stop crying.
#3. Metroid Fusion
There are nights I’m ready to yank out my hair in anguish and on those nights I replay the Neo-Ridley battle in Metroid Fusion. Neo-Ridley’s ear shattering scream is so deafening that you’ll be unable to tell if the sobs coming from the kitchen are your son’s or your wife’s.
#2. Elden Ring
Boot-up the game and just let the menu play. It’s the perfect music to silence the world and reflect upon your choices as a man. You were once alive and free, ready to grab the world by its throat and now you hide in the garage an extra twenty minutes before you walk inside the house. You’re not the man you promised your dad you’d become. You’re just a man full of regret, afraid to face the obligations of life.
#1. Nun Massacre
Be warned. The chase music when the nun appears WILL rupture your eardrums and your marriage. Although the marriage thing may be unrelated.
