I’m sick of talking about the best Batman actor or movie. Which one do you think would give the best speech at a wedding? Man, what a great question. I’m already married, so this is merely a thought exercise, but please don’t mind if I wonder about it for the next few minutes here. For the purposes of the subsequent piece, I’m thinking they wander in and someone gave them a microphone. More of a Bill Murray situation than like, Scarecrow is my best man, you know? Anyway, here’s a ranking of Batman villains based on how well I think they’d do on my big day.
Man-Bat
Look, I don’t know who gave Man-Bat a microphone, but it’s an absolutely terrible idea. I’m not sure he can speak, and my mother would almost certainly be in hysterics. It’d be a win if he doesn’t hurt anybody. Never a good thing to say about someone as far as their speeches go
Penguin
I can just see it now: Penguin tries to get through a speech, gets a little flustered, then just lets my whole fucking family have it with some gas that’ll knock them out. My wife’s family, too. No one likes public speaking, Penguin. No reason to knock everybody out. Now the timing is all messed up for the rest of the evening cuz everyone was unconscious for 40 minutes.
Bane
Bane’s gonna bring the room down, there’s just no way around it. He’s in a really tough spot, because even if he said something very kind, you’d think he was just being sarcastic or waiting to deliver some threat at the end. Oh god, Bane is telling me I’m about to embark on a journey that will last my entire life. Is he going to break my neck?
Killer Croc
Similar territory to Man-Bat here, but I don’t know, I trust Killer Croc a little more. I think he’d make an effort, put on a suit, and maybe spoil the moment by reading a joke he found on the internet that he didn’t realize was racist. It’s okay, Killer Croc. It’s not your fault.
Catwoman
I don’t care how funny or well-delivered her speech is, there’s almost zero chance Catwoman doesn’t make it weird by being overly seductive the whole time. Read the room, Catwoman. My grandparents are here.
Poison Ivy
Poison Ivy is probably going to be some combination of preachy, lovesick, and drunk. She’d admonish the crowd for all of the plants they killed to make the arrangements and then start crying about how beautiful everybody looked before ending the speech abruptly. Hopefully the night ends with her singing with the band and not trying to fight everyone.
Mr. Freeze
Mr. Freeze is going to do two things: insist on turning the temperature down in the reception hall, and getting emotional about his dead frozen wife or whatever her deal was. You might get a “cold feet” pun or something out of him, but by the end of the speech, I bet he’s brought everybody down.
Scarecrow
“I can see what Mark’s biggest fear is, his in-laws coming to visit on Super Bowl weekend!” I think if Scarecrow was a sport about it, he could deliver a great wedding speech. Hopefully he doesn’t make my aunts and uncles think there’s bugs crawling all over them or anything like that.
Joker
This is kind of a tough one, because who knows if it’s gonna be a fun Cesar Romero Joker or a darker Heath Ledger type. I do believe regardless of intent, the speech itself is the kind of thing Joker would kill. He’d be self-deprecating, sneak in some cracks about the local commissioner everyone hates, and he might even pretend like he was stealing a steak knife off of someone’s plate as a gag. Whether he goes on a kill-crazy rampage afterwards or not is really tough to say, however. But you bet your ass the speech would be good.
Two-Face
I think Two-Face would do a great job. He’s got a history of public speaking, never hesitates to dress up, and could do a really great bit where he’s pacing back and forth and sort of doing a good cop/bad cop deal about the pros and cons of marriage. You old dog, Two-Face. You only got one heart, but we all know it’s huge.
Riddler
Everyone’s gonna love The Riddler! He’d tell funny little jokes about why I’m gonna be a bad husband or how my wife could’ve done better or something. Then all of the punchlines of all of his zingers would connect to some larger message about love and happiness and finding the right person to spend the rest of your life with. Everyone will be thrilled with The Riddler’s speech until they realize their wallets were stolen by his henchman while it happened.
