WASHINGTON — A study released by the ACLU this week revealed that a vast majority of traffic stops committed by police officers were for cars with only one balloon left.
“Society has deprived these people of their balloons,” said Anthony Romero, Executive Director of the ACLU, while presenting the findings of the report. “Instead of offering a mushroom to help them get back on their feet, officers are pushing them further down, usually with a bob-omb or some kind of banana.”
The shocking report covers decades of police stops, spanning from routine traffic stops to stops involving the little Lakitu pulling cars back onto the road.
“At the end of the day, we have a quota for cars taken off the road, not for balloons popped,” said officer Lloyd Sherman, a lieutenant of the Chicago Police. “Why would we spend department time and resources going after an individual with three or four balloons when we can hock a green shell at a single mom and call it a day.”
Sherman answered questions surrounding the report at the department’s sixteenth damage control press conference of the week.
“I don’t know why people are remotely surprised about this,” continued Sherman. “Instead of blaming us, what the public needs to do is pull up their bootstraps and work under the pretense that maybe eventually they’ll be given a mushroom and a chance for another balloon.”
Sherman was not available for further comment as he is currently suspended with pay under investigation of using a Bullet Bill to skip through several lanes of traffic.
