BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN — Four ultra-wealthy divers have died 800 miles off the coast of Canada after a brutal fight for a video game controller attached to the submarine they were in.
“You promised it was my turn after 1,000 meters! If the depth reader wasn’t broken, it would probably say 2,000 meters by now,” one of the deceased reportedly said, attempting to wrest the Logitech controller from OceanGate CEO Stockton Rush, who insisted on going first because it was his game. “You always do this, man. Don’t tell me I get a turn unless you’re actually going to give me a turn. At this rate, it feels like I’ll die before I get to play this thing.”
The heated situation didn’t come to blows until Rush attempted to defend himself with a technicality.
“I said after 1,000 meters, not exactly 1,000 meters. Just let me wait until a good stopping place and then I’ll pause,” he said, trying to get a few more moves in while his fellow gamers ganged up on him. “Dude, stop it! You’re gonna fuck up our run if you don’t cut it out. I’ll shut this whole thing off—don’t think I won’t!”
Despite attempts from the United States Coast Guard, the four men were unable to be rescued.
“We save a lot of crazy people out there, but this is the worst we’ve ever seen. By the time we got to them, their fingers were so tightly gripped around the one controller, we needed power tools to remove it,” said Coast Guard Captain Jessie Conway. “It’s just a damn shame. If they had a second controller down there so someone could be Player Two — even just an unplugged one to let the youngest diver think he’s helping steer the submarine — they would still be alive today. Instead, they’re all sleeping with the Seamen.”
At press time, the Coast Guard shared one piece of good news: the fifth member of the crew, one of the employees who works for the vacationing company, had been discovered sitting quietly next to his crewmates, alive, reading a book.
