GOLDEN ISLAND — An Angry Bird who once competed on the professional level has been diagnosed with Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, or CTE, following a career of blunt force trauma to the head, sources have confirmed.
“I wish we’d known back then what we know now,” said the retired Angry Bird, one of the red ones, about his recent diagnosis. “But with what we know today, we should no longer be paying birds millions of dollars to slingshot themselves into giant rock formations. It’s just too dangerous.”
“The fact is though,” he continued. “That this barbaric sport has gone on for too long, and Rovio have kept a lot of damning statistics under wraps for fear it would ruin their cash cow. Shame on them, exploiting me and my friends because everyone liked their silly video game. I hope the money was worth the blood that’s on it.”
The diagnosis is merely the latest in a string of confirmed long term injuries to not just the Angry Birds, but many beloved mobile game superstars.
“I wish I’d pursued a different career,” said Jake, the now-grown star of the hit 2012 mobile game Subway Surfers. “Sure, the coins were nice, but the studies that have been done on being absolutely leveled by oncoming subway cars have made it clear that this isn’t a game children should be engaging in. Not without a helmet, at least.”
As of press time, the red Angry Bird had committed suicide via a shot to the chest and had asked that his brain be studied.
