LOS ANGELES — Actor and outspoken supporter of Ukraine Mark Hamill has asked government officials to deploy him in a hope to sway the war with Russia’s outcome, sources have confirmed.
“I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this,” said Hamill, wearing what appeared to be the cloak he wore as Luke Skywalker in Return of the Jedi, to gathered reporters earlier today. “I warned Putin that I was a powerful enemy to make, and that there would be grave consequences for his actions. Sadly, there’s only one way to put an end to all of this, and I must do it myself.”
“Would somebody hand me that R2 unit?” Hamill asked, gesturing towards his charging iPhone, after several apparent attempts at telepathically attracting it to his hand failed.
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy was appreciative of Hamill’s offer, but skeptical of its potential efficiency.
“Mark has been an unbelievable ally through this war,” he said. “But we could probably best utilize him by continuing to send positive messages to troops and things like that. I don’t think we can use him in the way’s he’s suggested, and I don’t believe his self-training regimen is effective, certainly not as he described it to me.”
Critics of Hamill’s said it was merely the latest in a series of misguided gestures.
“I think he probably means well,” said Andrea Lucas, a longtime Star Wars fan. “But his support of Ukraine has gone a little far, if you ask me. Voicing that app that warned people about air raids is one thing, but asking for permission to crash land an aircraft in Russian territory and ‘figure it out from there,’ is just way too far. Does he think he’s an actual Jedi?”
As of press time, Harrison Ford had shot and killed a man after a dispute at a bar in Bisbee, Arizona.
