REDMOND, Wash. — Executives at Nintendo have shocked the gaming world by announcing that it will stop feeding the real Yoshi that lives at Nintendo headquarters on March 1st of next year.
“This wasn’t an easy decision to arrive at, you have to believe us,” said Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser, in a surprise Nintendo Direct that premiered earlier today and bizarrely focused entirely on the scheduled starvation death of the iconic dinosaur mascot that was first introduced in 1991’s Super Mario World. “However, the reality is that Yoshi just isn’t that big of a part of our current vision at Nintendo. Sure, he’s in Smash Bros and whatnot, but that’s about it. We’ve all kind of moved past the need for Yoshi, and we really can’t justify what we spend on his food and treats anymore.”
Fans were revolted to hear of what they considered an inhumane end to the adorable sidekick’s existence.
“Do they care at all what the fans will think if they starve Yoshi to death?” asked local gamer Megan Gaines. “I get that moving forward he’s not exactly their hottest property, but a lot of us really like Yoshi. It’s just so cold and selfish to take him away from us like that. I understand if they’re not going to do a sequel to Yoshi’s Crafted World anytime soon, but they shouldn’t kill him. In my opinion, they should not do that.”
Others, however, saw the justification for the shocking move.
“It’s a little harsh, but honestly I get it,” said Scott Tarven, a gamer that sympathized with Nintendo’s decision. “Corporations owe us nothing but their continued expansion and profit. If that means killing a cute dinosaur or maintaining an abysmal relationship with your dedicated fans for decades, then so be it. Nintendo isn’t a keeping-Yoshi-alive-company, they’re a for-profit corporation. Their loyalties lie with the shareholders, not with Yoshi and the people that will be sad when he dies.”
As of press time, Nintendo had refused several prominent offers from animal sanctuaries and wealthy volunteers to adopt and feed Yoshi.
