LOS ANGELES — Producers of the upcoming film about Tetris have opted to delay the release until a line piece appears in an effort to boost their scores, sources indicate.
“We could drop it now and get what we get,” said executive producer Ron Howard, carefully examining the demographic metrics and organizing the release schedule so as to leave a space for a line piece. “But if we hold out just a little longer, build up the middle more, when we finally drop that line and get that Tetris… You know we’re gonna get that little castle to take off in the ending ceremony. And that’s how you make a hit picture.”
Director Jon Baird disagreed with the production team’s strategy, believing the film is pushing the release date too far, perhaps becoming so backed up as to reach critical levels.
“As various pieces [of Apple’s streaming library] continue piling up, eventually they’ll reach the top and we’ll have to give up,” Baird explained as Korobeiniki echoed in the distance at a faster tempo than previously heard. “We’re going straight to streaming, we didn’t get that much advertising, and we have to go up against another biopic from the same era that has Matt and Ben — we can’t afford to wait for a line piece! The line piece is famously extremely difficult to work with and we’re better off without that toxic prima donna.”
Apple executives appeared nervous, but still backed the controversial decision.
“We are currently crushing it at Apple+. Between Severence, Ted Lasso, and Shrinking, we are all extremely confident and trusting our collective instincts that that line will arrive as expected,” CEO Tim Cook stated confidently. “And if it doesn’t, that’s fine too — no shame in restarting the whole process from scratch. I remain excited to fill in that high [streaming] score and take down ‘AAA’ once and for all. Every time I close my eyes, I see the entirety of the Tetris movie still playing out before me.”
At press time, Tetris star Taron Egerton was reportedly stepping up to cover for the missing line piece by learning how to perform a T-spin, which he insisted stands for “Taron spin.”
