LEAWOOD, Kan. — AMC Entertainment, the world’s largest cinema chain, announced it will be adjusting ticket prices based on proximity to the theater shooter.
“We want to provide more control over the moviegoing experience, starting with patrons choosing the price of their ticket based on how close they want to be by the white man attending the movie alone in a hoodie,” said AMC Vice President of Marketing Eliot Hamlisch. “Cheaper seats will be allotted to the dangerous, riskier seats right next to the prospective shooter whereas seats by the exit, which are almost guaranteed survival, are a bit pricier. For those wanting us to crack down on the shooters themselves, trust us, it’s in your best interest to keep these guys happy.”
Regular AMC customers were upset by the sudden change in prices.
“I have just become accustomed to the risk of being shot to death anytime I go see a movie, but charging me a bit more is outright unamerican,” said AMC patron Emily Lentz. “I don’t see why I should have to pay more just to sit as far away from the quiet, shady man seeing a huge movie opening night by himself and keeps shifting around, focused on his large backpack. I just hope that I’ll be reimbursed for my ticket price if I do end up being shot in one of the exit-adjacent seats.”
Even movie theater shooters have voiced their concern about the increase in ticket cost.
“I just want to make humanity pay for its sins, I never meant to inconvenience people financially,” said prospective shooter Alan Hartnet. “Call me old fashioned, but I think everyone should have an even chance of being judged by my AR-15, not just the people who don’t want to spend more than twelve bucks on a ticket.”
At press time, AMC announced it would also be cracking down on cell phone usage and loud talking that disrupts honest customers from trying to shoot up the theater.
