LONDON — In preparation for his performance in the upcoming Willy Wonka prequel film, actor Timothée Chalamet has reportedly drowned a nine year-old boy in order to better inhabit the sick and twisted mind of the beloved children’s character.
“As an actor, it’s important to understand the psychology behind the character you’re playing,” said Chalamet, shaking his hands dry. “And when you’re dealing with a really vile individual, like a war criminal or the eccentric owner of a fantastical chocolate factory, you have to go to some dark places. But the experience of killing that kid is going to add so much more depth and authenticity to my performance. For instance, as I was holding his head under the water and waiting for the bubbles to stop, I had this profound realization that Wonka… really likes chocolate.”
Chalamet went on to explain that sending a young child to a watery grave was not the only method he employed in his attempt to come to terms with Wonka’s deranged psyche, though it was certainly the most successful.
“Turns out it’s a lot harder to inflate someone into a giant blueberry than it looks,” Chalamet sighed. “I tried force-feeding a girl blueberries. I painted another girl blue and pumped helium down her throat. Nothing worked. After that, I must have jammed five or six kids’ heads into TVs before I figured out that wasn’t going to do the trick either. And the less said about that boat ride I went on, the better.”
Paul and Hanna Fischer, parents of the deceased child, expressed deep sadness at the loss of their darling son. However, they made it clear that they harbored no ill will towards Chalamet for his unorthodox process.
“We will grieve our sweet Gunther for the rest of our lives,” Hanna sniffled, “but I did theater in high school, so I understand that truly daring art is often controversial and requires sacrifice. I can only hope that the film, whatever it is, will turn out to be a timeless classic. Then, in some small way, our beloved Gunther can live on forever.” When informed that the film was a Willy Wonka origin story, she burst into tears and had to be restrained by her husband.
When reached for comment, Warner Bros. confirmed that no animals were harmed in the production of this film.
