NEW YORK — Marvel executives have outlined plans for their next dozen or so phases of their extended cinematic universe, and will be skipping the 13th phase in honor of an old superstition generally reserved for tall buildings.
“I’m sure our fans will understand when we tell them that there’s bad vibes around the number 13 in things like hotels and film franchises,” said Kevin Feige. “That’s why no major franchise has ever gotten that high, it’s just playing with fire. We think we have a novel solution though, and are going to go right from closing phase 12 with Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 9 in June of 2035 and then kick off phase 14 with Spiderman: Home, Home on the Range that fall. No pesky 13th phase to derail our unstoppable run at the top of the cinematic world.”
The ambitious plan, which anticipates decades of undiminished returns, seemed a bit cocksure to local filmgoers.
“14 phases, huh?” asked Abigail Black, a Marvel fan that’s reportedly a little less excited with each one of these things. “I mean hey, if people like them then cheers, but I know me and my friends are getting a little fatigued and it’s only what, phase four or five? Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a blast watching all of my favorite comic book heroes and stories come to life, but they’re almost out of shit, right? Who do they have lined up for Phases six through twelve? Fin Fang Foom?”
“Actually, a Fin Fang Foom movie would be pretty dope,” she added.
Another longtime Marvel fan warned of the perils of them assuming their reign is infallible.
“This has all gone from the pie-eyed discovery of comic book movies to starting to feel like the 1990’s when they crammed out every variation and crossover they could think of and assumed anything they put out would print money,” said Arthur Willis, who’s been reading Marvel comics since the ‘80s. “Maybe they should worry less about skipping a phase, whatever that even means, and reevaluate some things. This strategy nearly put them out of business once, but I’m sure this is an entirely different thing they’re doing this time with an entirely different mindset. Not an accurate comparison at all.”
As of press time, Tom Holland had accidentally spoiled all of the endings of the Phase 12 movies.
