GREEN HILL ZONE — Sonic the Hedgehog came out against misinformation about his body by announcing publicly for the first time that he has never been pregnant.
“We’ve all seen the pictures online,” Sonic said sternly, speaking to a packed press corps outside a large, naturally occurring vertical loop, “but I want my fans to know I have never been pregnant, fertilized, or grown heavy-with-child of any kind.”
In response to the ensuing gasps of shock and outrage from the crowd, the famous hedgehog’s general physician took the stand next to him with a briefcase of charts verifying these claims.
“My patient does not have the reproductive organs necessary to nurture and carry life to term,” explained Dr. Jessica Browning, holding up a common diagram of male hedgehog anatomy. “Not even if the father were Shadow the Hedgehog, as is so often depicted.”
It’s unclear how this bombshell news will affect Sonic’s reputation as an athlete and sexual icon. Some admirers refused to accept the story outright.
“Simple hogwash and hootenanny of the highest degree,” shouted skeptic Dr. Ivo Robotnik of Eggmanland, in an interview conducted remotely over a floating TV device. “That miserable rodent has been practically bursting with hedgehog-lings at least a half dozen times, and it will be a half dozen more by the time I’m through with him. Ahahaha!”
Despite the adamant claims from the Sonic team, it remains hard to argue with the veritable treasure trove of images of the expectant hedgehog, available on websites all over the world. Readers are encouraged to do their own research before coming to a final opinion.
