LOS ANGELES — President of Marvel Studios Kevin Feige was aghast recently when he learned that there were some fans that had consumed every single Marvel movie and television show that’s been released.
“Wait…. All of them? No…” Feige reportedly said, upon learning the news. “That can’t be right. That’s impossible. I mean if you like cereals, you don’t go to the supermarket and buy one of every single box, right? That would be insane! This must be a mistake, maybe someone has watched every movie? But not the TV shows too. You know Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. ran like six years? Even I stopped watching around season two.”
“Maybe we should stop making these things,” Feige added. “Do people feel obligated to be watching this?! That can’t be right. There’s so fucking many! You’re telling me people have seen Iron Man 2?! As long as they’re not ranking them, I guess. That would really fuck me up.”
According to those familiar with the situation, Feige had a breakdown in the meeting upon hearing there were people who could name every character in the superhero team The Eternals.
“I couldn’t tell you what my name was in that movie if you put a gun to my head,” said actor Angelina Jolie. “And I do fully expect to one day be put in that situation if it’s true that there are depraved sickos out there who have seen every single Marvel movie and TV show. I am confident that I will eventually have a gun to my head and the only way out is to name my character from The Eternals. Which is………… Cor….po? Maybe I’m Morbius? I see that name online a lot, so I must be Morbius.”
Despite not being reached for comment, one of these sickos did attempt to send us a statement, but we were too horrified to handle the letter they sent.
