NEW YORK — A Sony press release announced today that gamers and scalpers alike should prepare for a PlayStation 6 shortage, whenever the console ends up launching.
“We want our gamers to get ready for multiple generations of console launches fueled by excitement and hope followed by extreme disappointment, bargaining, and anger. Really a trip through all five stages of grief is optimum,” wrote Sony CEO Jim Ryan. “The latest evolution in console shortages and launch delays has revolutionized our ability to make extreme profits — if we can go ahead and start building that buzz for the PlayStation 6, this virtuous cycle will remain unbroken. We’re talking games-as-a-service here. And what better service can we provide than consistency? Specifically, consistency in an inability to access them at all.”
The entire Sony boardroom was reportedly excited at the new direction.
“You look to Sony as an innovator in gaming and tech in general. This constant bang and bust cycle of hopes and dreams is exactly what we need to do to keep our consumers on their toes and hitting F5 on the GameStop site before giving up and reluctantly perusing Facebook Marketplace scalpers,” said Sony CFO Hiroki Totoki. “The way the combination of ongoing chip shortages and logistics confusion are forecast to keep affecting PlayStation 5 production, it’s only reasonable to assume we can expect the same for the PlayStation 6. It’s simply for the best that consumers adjust their expectations early.”
Although the announcement has been met with adverse reactions from most, console resellers have expressed only positive responses.
“Knowing that my business model of stealing products from normal people and selling them back with huge markups is secured for an additional console generation has been such a relief,” said self-described “entrepreneur” Chazz Roddenburgle between ingesting fisfuls of lard from a Crisco container. “Really the only thing that can stop me now is if gamers somehow develop any sort of patience or faith in delayed gratification.”
At press time, Sony was gearing up to announce delays in PS5 restocks for the umpteenth time this year.
