VELDIN — Beloved intergalactic heroes Ratchet and Clank were seen leaving a local Gadgetron weapons store with a normal, non-whimsical 9mm handgun this morning, Solana Galaxy sources reported.
“They buy guns all the time, but normally they’re like, wacky guns,” said Captain Quark, a regular ally of the duo. “The guns normally have a fun gimmick, like turning enemies into sheep, or spawning a little robot guy that follows you around and makes jokes. But I guess it’s not out of character for them either? Maybe they’re in a hurry and don’t have the time to kill a guy with a glove that throws cartoony little bombs. I just expect some more pizazz from them, you know?”
Ratchet and Clank declined to comment on the purchase beyond a short statement that said that the public should “respect the pair’s second amendment rights.”
“To be honest, I’m not comfortable fighting them anymore after hearing this,” said Dr. Nefarious. “Sure, they’ve killed hundreds of my minions already with gimmick weapons—I’m fine with that. I don’t mind them sucking twenty of my thyrranoids into a black hole after distracting them with a disco ball gun because that’s playful and goofy. But it takes a while to die after getting shot with a normal gun. You bleed out, and then when you die you shit yourself. Even if you don’t die, you’ll still be crippled for life. That’s not playful or goofy.”
The Gadgetron Corporation has a fourteen-day waiting period for all non-whimsical guns.
“You cannot buy a non-whimsical gun at any of our automated weapon kiosks,” said Gadgetron spokesman Groz Klorprton. “To purchase the Glock 17 9mm Safe-Action pistol, Ratchet and Clank had to present a valid FOID Card to a licensed vendor, pass a background check and attend a three-hour safety instruction course. After the waiting period, they were allowed to take the gun home. This is the standard procedure.”
At the time of writing, Ratchet and Clank’s Instagram page had shared multiple posts about patriotism and gun ownership from the holonet account “Gun Loving Alphas.”
