AKRON, Ohio. — Professional Super Smash Bros. player and current Akron Melee Summit Champion Darnell Storholt shocked the community this week after he turned down a one-million-dollar sponsorship from Old Spice due to what he described as ideological differences with the brand.
Storholt, known in the community as B1gSn1ff, baffled fans and commentators when he and the swarm of flies that perpetually circle him walked off the stage in protest.
“I play Melee because I love the game,” said Storholt from as close as we could get without gagging. “The second corporations stick their noses in that, you have to play by their rules. Everyone has to make a living, I get that, so I don’t mean any disrespect to the players who do accept these sponsorships, but I try to be selective about who I take money from and I refuse to be bought by any company that I cannot endorse ethically.”
Storholt has historically been a vocal critic of Old Spice and the personal hygiene industry in general on his Twitch channel.
“The fact is that humans didn’t need deodorant until the soap industry started brainwashing us through aggressive 20th-century marketing campaigns that we stank. Nobody had a problem with natural odor until a culture of shame was created and suddenly it was a social faux pas to not buy this totally unnecessary product which, I’d like to add, is proven to be carcinogenic but all the research and class action lawsuits regarding that have been actively suppressed by the corrupt fake news media.”
Storholt also claims that he’s been harassed over his beliefs but that has only made him more righteous in his cause.
“People don’t like the truths that I’m telling. They’ve tried to silence me many times. Just this week I got Swatted with the cops saying someone reported smelling a dead body in my apartment but the more they try to keep me quiet the louder I will get,” Storholt screamed to be heard over the hissing of the vultures circling overhead.
At press time, a seagull had begun building a nest on Storholt’s head and reportedly died due to the stench.
