The Pokémon series has always been known for the creative and iconic design of its characters. However, after nearly thirty years and over one thousand creatures, some have fallen short of the franchise’s standards. In fact, some are abominations so unholy that they are entirely devoid of the holy light that animates us. Some call it a soul, some call it the breath of life — I’m not really interested in the distinction. I just want to write a list of twenty of the most fucked-up looking Pokémon.
20. Dachsbun
Dachsbun is at the bottom because it’s literally just a dog that already exists in the world. But, let me tell you, if my 20-pound dog went up against a Charizard, she would get her shit absolutely rocked. This fat wiener couldn’t hold its own in a damn dog park, let alone the Pokémon League. Put this dumb dog up against Rayquaza and see what happens. I dare you, Game Freak. Triple Dachsbun dare you, in fact.
19. Flamigo
I just put a picture of a flamingo because there are zero differences between it and the Pokémon. There’s something very uncanny valley-y about it. It’s familiar, yet terrifying. This design hasn’t strayed too far from our world, but that almost makes it worse. If I wanted to own a flamingo I’d go to the black market. I wouldn’t boot up my Switch.
18. Volcanion
This, for the most part, still looks like a Pokémon, but I’m pretty sure I sucked on that thing’s back when I was a teething baby. Then again, my memory of my time as an infant is murky at best. All I know is that God is tempting me and I want it in my mouth. Goo goo ga ga, Volcanion. Bring that back over here.
17. Comfey
I wonder how many of these little guys have accidentally been thrown in the trash after a luau themed office party and left to die alone in a landfill. If God wanted flowers to be conscious of their existence, he would have given them the ability to scream.
16. Caprity
Ya know what, now that I’m looking at it, this guy actually doesn’t look too bad! Maybe Game Freak is getting back to their roots a bit- oh, wait. This is from Palworld. My bad, I haven’t finished a Pokemon game since Gen 7, so I just kind of assumed this was a Pokémon. Rookie mistake.
15. Eiscue
I’m sorry, but this thing should be dead. Every time I encase someone’s head in a big smiley face cube of ice, they die. The first few times, I thought I was just doing something wrong (imposter syndrome), but now, after three to four hundred attempts, I’m like 80% sure that it’s not safe to do this. We’re starting to stray from God a bit with this nature-defying penguin.
14. Gumshoos
This Pokémon was part of Generation 7, which was released on November 18, 2016. Ten days after the election. You cannot tell me this disgusting rodent wasn’t based on a certain someone we all know. I never caught one, but I’m gonna guess its signature attack is called “Wrong.” 120 power, 0 accuracy. Effect: Hits every time no matter what, despite its inaccuracy.
13. Passimian
God loves two things: designing beautiful creatures in his image, and motherfuckin’ football, baby! Unfortunately, only one of those ideals went into making this guy. If I had a Pokémon football team I would sign Hitmonlee as my kicker. But anyway, this Pokémon is dumb and should be ashamed of itself for being such a capitalist shill for the NFL. I’d be a bigger fan if he was fucking Taylor Swift.
12. Palossand
Imagine you’re eight years old at the beach, and the sand castle you so proudly built gets possessed by a ghost and starts whaling on you in front of all your friends. Sand castles are canceled, and so is whoever demanded this be added into the game.
11. Tatsugiri
From an evolutionary standpoint, why would a Pokémon evolve to look like something so goddamn delicious? Stick bugs look like sticks to confuse predators, and Tatsugiri looks like a delectable piece of sushi that I’d whip down my throat faster than you can say “Pokémon designs suck now.” Actually, that takes kind of long to say, but you get the point.
10. Mewtwo
This might be controversial, but it’s objectively true. Sure, the design is cool. In fact, it’s sick as hell. I don’t have a Mewtwo wrap on my Mazda, but I get jealous every time I see one. Unfortunately, he is the product of human engineering rather than divine creation, and is therefore an abomination in the eyes of God.
9. Ting-Lu
Its Pokédex entry describes Ting-Lu as the “Ruinous Pokemon.” I actually agree with that! It is ruinous to the legacy of Pokemon because its antlers are a bowl. I’m starting to wonder if people in the Pokemon universe are guilty of some very heinous, experimental eugenics. Wouldn’t surprise me. There’s no reason a Pokemon would evolve to have a giant metal bowl on its head unless a human intervened. Whoever made Ting-Lu should be tried for crimes against humanity — or, rather, Ting-Lunity.
8. Necrozma
Okay, don’t get me wrong, this guy looks kinda cool. He’s like a geometric Babadook. But just picture him standing next to a Pikachu. Does it seem like they could even be from the same multiverse? Necrozma definitely abducts children in the middle of the night, but is weirdly gentle with them.
7. Tinkaton
Since when did Pokémon get fully forged weapons? Who’s making these hammers for them? Every single Tinkaton has one, so either we’re supplying them with weapons like a US-Israel situation, or Tinkatons are smart enough that we probably should stop enslaving them.
6. Arctozolt
The Pokémon gods went crazy with this one. It looks like when I used to draw Pokemon combinations as a kid, like mixing Wailord with Zapdos. Nothing could make me want this snot nosed… dragon? I’m just so sad.
5. Stakataka
I guess there aren’t enough animals in the world from which to base Pokémon designs. I cannot fathom how this came to be, or why anyone would want it. Trying to pet it would feel like caressing the outside of a 7/11. If all humans were wiped off the face of the earth, this thing would be reclaimed by nature within the hour because it is so ungodly.
4. Celesteela
Celesteela is like what Elon Musk would make if he was in charge of Pokémon. Just a big useless metal thing that looks cool to people who aren’t. I need God to strike this thing down before I accidentally look into its eyes or it blows up before leaving orbit.
3. Brute Bonnet
This guy has Pokéballs for hands and a hat. Again, just evolutionarily, how do you suppose that works? Is this implying Pokéballs existed before Pokémon? If so, what were humans putting inside them back then? I sense a sinister past in the Pokémon universe. God would not approve of whatever, or whoever, used to go inside Pokéball.
2. Gimmighoul
This one is just confusing to me. It looks like it’s a ghost who’s meant to have inhabited a pirate’s chest, but his name sounds like an extremely racist slur for Italian people. I’m all for a little recreational Italian-American slander for a goof, but this feels a bit pointed. Also, ghosts aren’t real. Where’s the realism?
1. Gholdengo
The 1000th Pokémon design ever made, and they wasted it on fucking yellow Gumby. Will today’s children be nostalgic for Gholdengo? The day that happens is the day I become a “kids these days” guy. I hope in the next generation we can make Pokémon in our own image, like a Mii. Call me, Game Freak.
