MORGANTOWN, W. Va — Dr. Mario has been served a malpractice lawsuit over allegations he has been overprescribing half yellow/half red Pills pills in the West Virginia city of Morgantown.
Kyle Duggan, a patient of Dr. Mario, originally went to see the disgraced medical practitioner for a sensitive medical issue, but has found himself growing dependent on the capsules the Dr. seems to prescribe for every malady under the sun.
“I got the crabs real bad down at HamHocks, that’s a gentlemen’s club here in town, and when I went to see Dr. Mario, he prescribed them half yella’/half red pills which struck me as peculiar cause normally they give a shampoo for that,” Duggan said. “Then a couple of weeks later I twisted my ankle chasin’ after one of them damned kids who likes to knock my trash cans over, and he gave me more of the same pills. I thought it was a bit odd, but they seemed to do the job so I didn’t question it too much. I been addicted ever since.”
Dr. Mario himself responded to the allegations, but his nonsensical ramblings left concerned citizens and former patients more mystified than anything else.
“Uh-oh! Oh nooooo!” Dr. Mario said during one interview with the local press. After standing idle for a moment the doctor appeared to nod off and began muttering the names of various pasta dishes in his sleep until being shaken awake by an onlooker. When asked to leave the premises the doctor simply replied, “Okie dokie!”
Jacob Jakey from the law firm Jakey, Jakey, & Jakey is representing Mr. Duggan along with the other patients who claim Dr. Mario has been overprescribing the mysterious half-yellow/half-red pills.
“Mr. Duggan, along with my other clients, are victims of yet another medical fraudster who has no qualms about taking advantage of people who committed the grave sin of choosing to trust their doctor,” Jakey said. “This is just the latest example of yet another fast-talking ‘doctor’ choosing to line their own pockets with money from big pharma rather than live up to their own Hippocratic oath. Thankfully his entire supply of the mysterious half-yellow/half-blue pills has been destroyed. I expect Dr. Mario will be reduced to simply ‘Mario’ and only able to find a job unclogging pipes and toilets by the time myself and my partners, Jakey and Jakey are finished with him.”
At press time Dr. Mario was seen handing out half-red/half-blue pills to a crowd that had gathered outside his now-shuttered office.
