Back in 1988, there came a day that Fox sports commentator John Madden came up with an idea that would change popular culture forever: What if I made up a fictitious sport with specific rules and gameplay that could be played in a lucrative video game series? The result, of course, was Madden NFL.
In football—not to be confused with soccer, the sport that Americans renamed from football for no discernable reason—a bunch of muscle-y dudes try to pass, throw, and run a ball shaped like an oval without getting tackled by the other team or letting the ball touch the ground. In the world of Madden NFL, football is a cultural phenomenon adored by the masses, kind of like baseball and badminton in our world, and there are 32 teams across the country who compete against one another to win the “Super Bowl” every season.
The game, made popular by the rigorous strategic play, agility and coordination necessary to win, took the world by storm, and as the sequels started pouring out, many people began to speculate about making “football” a real sport. But since the very similar sport of rugby was so violent, and because everyone who was a football fan was also a gamer and therefore a fucking dweeb, no sport managers ever paid much mind to the marvelous potential of football, and we are left to wonder what a real “NFL” (National Football League) could have looked like.
But what if football, and all of the legendary sports teams that Madden taught us to love, were real? Which would be cool to see in real life, and which would be completely lame? I, a resident Madden fan, decided it was past time that we make a definitive ranking to find out. So strap on your “helmets,” and get ready to score a “field goal,” because we’re about to delve deep into the fantastical realm of Madden Football.
33. The Houston Texans
Any long-term Madden fans shouldn’t be surprised to see the Houston Texans sitting in the bottom spot, purely because they were such a late addition to the series. By the time Madden NFL 2002 was released as the 13th mainline game in the series, we were already so immersed in the relationships between teams and the rise and fall of power players and reigning champions that it was really hard to feel like the Texans weren’t shoehorned in by a writing staff that was kind of flailing to reestablish the strong plot of the early installments in the series. The final nail in the coffin was that they had the lowest rating of all time in Madden 2002, and I guess they’ve come back from that, but if we’re being honest, there’s no coming back from that.
32. The Philadelphia Eagles
I’ve met many people from Philadelphia, so I already know that if the Eagles were real, their season would be the only thing they would ever talk about, and they would be REAL aggressive about it. It’s also very likely that they would partake in illegal activities regardless of whether the Eagles won or lost a big game, and that just doesn’t seem like a great thing to encourage. Philadelphia gets into enough trouble without a national football team, and maybe some cities just shouldn’t be allowed to have nice things.
31. The Carolina Panthers
In theory, the Carolina Panthers should have a lot going for them: Super Bowl 38, legendary players like Muhsin Muhammad and Jake Delhomme, and some of the coolest uniforms in the league. However, their performance in Madden NFL 2010 was so lame, uncool and generally bad that I couldn’t even process my thoughts on John Madden being replaced by Tom Hammond and Cris Collinsworth as announcers in that game. Without that season, I would be super down to have the Panthers in real life, but the mere thought of such a devastating season for a team that should always be solid really nauseates me.
30. The Atlanta Falcons
My disc for Madden NFL 2020 got a bit scratched up at some point, and now the game gets insanely glitchy whenever I try to play as the Falcons. Somehow, I feel like footballs phasing through players’ heads while the goal posts start to flip and teleport all over the field at turbo speeds would have greater consequences in the real world, so let’s just play it safe and keep the Falcons fictional.
29. The Las Vegas Raiders
The Raiders’ mascot is the Raider Rusher, a creature that is basically a giant silver head with a seething smile, metal spikes on his head that look as though they could impale directly through a man’s body without effort, and two silver legs sprouting out of his chin. If the Raider Rusher were real, I would never feel safe again, and our timeline would veer abruptly towards every apocalypse scenario that’s ever been dreamt up.
28. The Indianapolis Colts
Indianapolis has had more than its fair share of cults already. They don’t need another 53, not to mention the additional 16 that would comprise a practice squad.
27. The New York Jets
It wouldn’t be that cool if the Jets were real, but it would be very, very funny. Only the genius writers’ room behind Madden NFL could come up with a team that provides such a constant, wild and outrageous source of comic relief. I mean, come on: This one team has had a coach named Weeb, another coach who resigned with a note scrawled on a napkin, AND their defense falls apart whenever their whole team actually manages to be healthy. Top that off with the first good quarterback they had in ages getting injured on the first game of the season last year, and you’ve got comedy gold incarnate with this team.
26. The Washington Commanders
I actually just don’t like the Commanders very much, but I’ll put them above the Jets out of respect for Champ Bailey, who was the linchpin to the extremely overpowered custom team that I made when I was nine. Thanks, Champ. I couldn’t have become an alpha gamer without you.
25. The Cleveland Browns
I actually wouldn’t be fully opposed to watching a real Cleveland Browns team in action despite their less than stellar track record, if only because the fan loyalty they have would be as wholesome as it would be humorous. Plus, come on, the turnpike rivalry? Legendary content. My actual problem with letting the Cleveland Browns be real is that it would also mean that everyone would have to think about the city of Cleveland, Ohio that much more often, and somehow I just have a feeling that everything would be worse as a result.
24. The Los Angeles Rams
Don’t get me wrong, the Rams have been a baller team in recent years, but their complete and utter lack of loyalty to their home turf concerns me if we’re seriously considering giving Los Angeles another sports team. Not only have they represented three different cities, but they’ve already left LA once. Who’s to say they wouldn’t do it again? Los Angeles already suffers enough; they don’t need to be betrayed by a major league sports team too.
23. The Minnesota Vikings
Listen, I love the Vikings and all they’ve accomplished but I just can’t bear to think of a world where Bashaud Breeland exists. And Adrian Peterson. And Jerome Simpson. …And 54 other people? Seriously, why do the Vikings have so many arrests, and why is that information included in the “Extra Features” section of every Madden NFL game?
22. The New Orleans Saints
A CPU playing as the Saints beat me when I was undefeated at the end of a Franchise Mode season in the most humiliating, one-sided defeat I’d experienced in ages, and I’ve been so embarrassed and livid about that whole experience that I just can’t unlatch my personal feelings from my very objective ranking here. I understand how unfair that is, so I put the Saints at the top of the bottom third of my ranking by way of apology. It’s the best I could do, and probably the best they’ll do in Madden NFL 25 too.
21. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Buccaneers are a consistent dark horse candidate for victory in the NFL, which sounds very cool, until you remember that most dark horse candidates have a very low winning percentage and a roster that is best known for prestige players from other teams who can’t decide whether they’re retired or not. Their mascot Captain Fear also sounds very cool, but one glance at him will remind you that the Buccaneers are generally all bark and no bite.
20. The Seattle Seahawks
I had a vivid dream that the Seahawks were real once, and for a while it was very cool. Their defense was fire, their fans were fun and their cheerleading squad was progressively co-ed. But then the music volume at their stadium took its toll, and I spent the rest of the dream with my ears ringing, which actually continued for all of the following day. Put that together with a dream version of Matt Hasselbeck screaming a joke at me about how he and his wife both getting struck by lightning proved that there was “a spark,” and my excitement for a real Seahawks team was quickly diminished.
19. The Los Angeles Chargers
They might not be much to look at, but man, Junior Seau was cool. Great early series character with so many amazing moments. We can only hope that he’s enjoying a nice retirement. On an unrelated note, I sure am glad that football wouldn’t cause any life-altering traumatic brain damage if it was real! I mean, surely if such a widespread and problematic injury was likely, the game would include concussions as an injury status alongside such injuries as torn muscles and disc ruptures…right?
18. The Buffalo Bills
If the Bills were real, US Representative Jack Kemp would have played for them, fundamentally altering his political career when winning two league championships in a row would make him believe that there were even more major victories still to come for him, and spur him on to run for president in 1988. Pretty interesting! But ultimately, his story would mirror that of the Bills in the decades that followed: A lot of good efforts and close calls, but not even one national victory.
17. The Baltimore Ravens
It’s worth noting that the Baltimore Ravens had the lowest average rating across the Madden NFL series in the 20th century, but that all goes out the window when you think of the epic comeback story that followed. Unfortunately, that comeback story is largely undermined by their rapid decline after 2012, leaving us with a team that is somehow only mediocre despite having a consistent winning record. I could rank them way higher or way lower, but they do have a marching band, which somehow neutralizes them and puts them smack dab in the middle. Listen, I don’t make the rules.
16. The Tennessee Titans
The existence of the Titans would alter absolutely nothing about life on our planet, for better or for worse. They are the true neutral of football teams, and I have no doubt that everyone would simply forget about them most of the time. However, their existence would finally give us proof that Tennessee is a real place. Neat.
15. The Arizona Cardinals
The Cardinals wouldn’t be cool, per se, but like, they’d be chill. They’re just out here trying their best, and I have to respect that at the end of the day. I would personally never be cool enough to grab a beer with the Bird Gang, and that would be something I would need to accept, but it wouldn’t be an incredibly painful or extensive grieving process at the end of the day.
14. The Miami Dolphins
The Dolphins were the first team that I ever beat Franchise Mode with back in Madden NFL 2007, which was kind of like playing on the hardest available difficulty as you struggled to fill the shaky shoes of Coach Cam Cameron. Cam Cameron came camera-ready before a campy Cam-led cameo made a campaign campout that could not be camouflaged as even a halfway decent season held together by team camaraderie, and Cameron was quickly fired. I imagine it would be a cool experience for a coach to try to accomplish similar success with a team like the Dolphins, and cool for us to watch when they succeed, but I can’t imagine having them around would be terribly exciting like, 70% of the time.
13. The Pittsburgh Steelers
Honestly? I just wish the best for Pittsburgh, and maybe an intrepid little football team is just what they need to get together with all their buddies, munch on some teensy tiny midnight snacks as they watch the big football players be all tough and strong on the field while saying “yinks” or whatever it is they say, and then curl up with their favorite penguin plushies with their bellies all full of pierogies, good dreams and happy memories. It’s the least I could hope for in one of the cloudiest cities in America, and for whoever decided that their mascot should be a construction worker named “Steely McBeam,” both because they were trying their best and because that person embodies everything I aspire to be and represent in my daily life.
12. The Denver Broncos
I’ve always admired metal statues of horses, but so many of them are spoiled by the fact that they are being ridden by confederate soldiers. If the Denver Broncos were real, we would have more metal statues of horses without confederate soldiers, and I think that would be cool. So cool, in fact, that I would expect them to put like a dozen of those statues around their stadium, and also put another one near the local airport just for kicks.
11. The Cincinnati Bengals
They may not be a very good team, but the Bengals’ uniform just looks so cool that I can’t help but give them a good spot. I’m currently living in Cincinnati, and sometimes I even see some fans cosplaying as different members of the team! I tried to approach one of the guys pretending to be Orlando Brown recently to bond over his rise to success and character development in Madden NFL 2017, but he just gave me a strange look and told me I was, “an obnoxious, trolling nerd who should get a life.” It was weird; usually cosplayers are so nice to me, and – very proudly – way nerdier.
10. The Green Bay Packers
I actually always thought the Packers were kinda lame, but my relatives from Wisconsin heard I was writing this article and said they would permanently disown me if their team wasn’t at least in the top ten. Don’t mess with the Cheeseheads, man. The NFL may not actually exist, but Packers fans definitely, definitely do.
9. The Chicago Bears
I don’t actually think the Bears should rank nearly this high, but I thought it would be funny to place them one spot above the Packers out of spite after my family in Wisconsin threatened disownership. Ha. Take that, Uncle Bill.
8. The Kansas City Chiefs
I’m a big football fan, but I’m also a huge Swiftie, and somehow I just have a hunch that if the Chiefs were real, tight end Travis Kelce would be a great romantic prospect for international pop sensation Taylor Swift. I know this doesn’t have much to do with football, but I’ve been following Taylor’s tragic and heart wrenching journey through modern love, and I just really need to see my girl happy.
7. The Detroit Lions
I’m sure you’re wondering how a team that has only won a single divisional championship and no conference or league championships in the last thirty years could conceivably be such a cool thing in real life, but here’s the thing: By my estimation, no one’s families would ever fight during Thanksgiving dinner if they just had a sports team that played during thanksgiving every single year. I don’t know about you guys, but I for one think that an emotionally healthy family dinner is pretty wicked. (For the record, if my theory is ever proven wrong on this, it’s purely because the Lions are not a good enough team for America’s drunken uncles and macho cousins to get excited about, thus leaving them no choice but to talk about your marital status and how fake the moon landing was.)
6. The New York Giants
At this point you can probably tell that I love the lore of the ongoing Madden series, so it should come as no surprise that the Giants rank this high on my list. It would be so cool to have them as the old mentor type of team that’s been there since the very beginning, and, as someone who grew up in Boston, it would also be very cool to have another team to hate New York for. I do have to dock points for the Jets also being from New York as a later NFL addition, though; in the same way that Kylo Ren retroactively made Darth Vader less cool, the Jets made the Giants less cool.
5. The New England Patriots
I know that a lot of you are probably mad to see the Patriots place this high since so many people hate them, but come on, you have to admit that they’ve given us the content. An all-star quarterback stays loyal for decades before a shocking mutiny. A mysterious coach who is constantly wrapped up in so many conspiracies and controversies that he must use a series of pseudonyms rather than his real name. Devin McCourty becomes one of the most fun characters to use the Hit Stick mechanic with. Complain all you like, but would you really want an entirely new sports league if you didn’t have a villain to root against?
4. The Dallas Cowboys
The Cowboys are entirely up this high because they have the coolest mascot. Westerns are my favorite movies, and the cowboys would probably be the best at football because they have opposable thumbs and they could pretty much just shoot all of the other human teams since they’re the fastest draws in the west. Man. I just started thinking about how cool the world would be if cowboys were real.
3. The San Francisco 49ers
The 49ers are not but a whisper away from becoming the coolest NFL team, fictional or otherwise, and that’s because of their history and their potential. A team of champions in the early days of Madden, that has since fallen into decline, but has also shown a great deal of promise as we build up to the climatic 50th year of Madden? I couldn’t think of a more fitting team to have an epic comeback and take the crown home in Madden NFL 2027, which I firmly believe will be the finale of the entire series. I mean, the developers behind Madden obviously care deeply about telling a beautiful and emotional story that has invested their fans, and they obviously aren’t just making these games as a quick cash grab to put out year after year as commanded by their corporate overlords. Obviously.
2. The Jacksonville Jaguars
You’re probably absolutely livid that a younger team with limited success and a very unfortunate hometown somehow clawed its way up to the second spot, but here’s the thing: Some guy named Jason Mendoza told me he’d give me a molotov cocktail and all of his money if I put his team this high, and bribery will get you everywhere with me. BORTLES!!
1. The Harrisburg Watermelons
Back in the 2000’s, Madden used to allow you make your own custom teams, and even make your own players. It was incredibly cool, and I firmly believe that it was at its most cool when my brother Jim made a custom team in Madden NFL 2007 called the Harrisburg Watermelons. Based in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, the Harrisburg Watermelons were coached by Yoda, and believe it or not, Goku was the quarterback!
To round out the starting lineup, Jim put the Hulk as center, Spock and Doctor Who as the running backs, Ganondorf and King Dedede as the right and left guards, Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage as the right and left tackles, the Black Knight from Monty Python as the tight end, God, the Devil, Jesus, Moses and the Holy Spirit as the wide receivers, Lilo and Stitch as the defensive tackles, Groot and Michael Scott as the defensive ends, the four main characters of Hoodwinked as the linebackers, Steve Harvey as the strong safety (it was 2007, cut my brother some slack), the Roadrunner from Looney Toons as the free safety, and the cornerbacks were the rooks from chess. And obviously all of the kickers/punters were just real-life professional soccer players.
So yeah, Jim made the greatest football team of all time without even trying, and I desperately wish that the Watermelons were real. But at the end of the day, I just have to admit that living in a world with all of these legendary fictional characters is just as unrealistic as a world with great players like Jerry Rice and Joe Montana living in it. Still, one can dream.
