THE HAGUE — The International Criminal Court announced that it will seek warrants for the arrest of all cast and crew involved with the American sitcom The Big Bang Theory and its spinoffs.
ICC prosecutor Karim Khan held a press conference revealing the intention to bring the cast and crew to justice.
“We figured we’d swing for the fences,” said Khan to a slightly confused press. “2024 is the year we start checking things off the ICC’s bucket list. We’re going to arrest some war criminals, end a couple of regional conflicts, and finally bring a stop to the waking nightmare that is Chuck Lorre’s career.”
Added Khan, “How does a sitcom run for 12 seasons without ever telling an actual joke? Who the hell was watching that?”
While some were confused over the ICC’s move, various experts weighed in.
“Big Bang Theory, ran from Sept. 2007 to May 2019. For nearly 12 years on the air, it somehow won multiple Emmy Awards and a Golden Globe, which is proof of the spiritual decay of Western civilization,” said sociologist Warren Calvera.
“Nobody knows how Lorre does it,” said TV critic and historian Elias Patinkin. “His shows are usually neurotoxic in small doses, but somehow they’re also ratings gold. Charlie Sheen left Two and a Half Men and it still kept running for three seasons. Young Sheldon was a pox on all who witnessed it for 7 years and now the next Big Bang spinoff, Georgie & Mandy’s First Marriage will wage war against the human psyche this fall on CBS. Frankly, we have to be open to the possibility of demonic contracts.”
While the ICC’s move against The Big Bang Theory has been derided by international critics, who argue that the ICC has got to have better things to do with its time, it’s been met with widespread acclaim from young people in English-speaking countries.
“My grandmother told me that I remind her of Sheldon Cooper,” said college student Rodney Schaeffer, who attended a pro-ICC demonstration in New York City on Monday night. “No one else should have to suffer through that. If the U.S. government won’t do something, at least the ICC will.”
At press time, the ICC plans to also issue arrest warrants to AI artists, Ernest Cline, various members of the Super Smash Bros. Melee pro circuit, and anyone who has ever sold weed to Kevin Smith.
