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We Asked Kirby Why He Doesn’t Just Turn Into Endangered Species and Fuck Them

DREAM LAND — A recent sit down interview with Nintendo superstar Kirby revealed some insights into a decades long career as a top tier mascot in the Nintendo repertoire, but revealingly, no insights as to why he doesn’t just dick down every endangered species and repopulate this fucker. 

“Starring in Kirby’s Adventure in 1993 really changed everything,” said the iconic figure who never not once has turned into a koala bear and knocked up like a dozen of them before changing back. “This bit about transforming into endangered animals for the purposes of procreation is the first I’ve ever heard of this. Are a lot of people saying that about me?”

The self involved superstar was born with the ability to inhale, swallow, and subsequently absorb the key identifying characteristics of anything it comes into contact with. This miraculous ability has been used throughout the decades mostly to use various species’ fighting styles and weapons to his physical advantage, and not getting weird with one of the 150 species that go extinct daily.

“It is too bad that Kirby would rather use his powers for violence than peace,” said animal activist Leanne Morton. “And look, I don’t know if that is exactly how it would all work or not, but I do know this, he hasn’t even tried fucking an endangered animal to see what would happen. Not. A. One. Shame on you, Kirby. If you won’t fuck a hawksbill sea turtle, why don’t you just go fuck yourself?” 

Representatives for Kirby have come to his defense, stating that his innocent public image would not gel with a constant stream of interspecies fornication. 

“C’mon, you think Nintendo would keep Kirby on contract if he just started railing every fish and giraffe that was facing extinction?” asked Gil Klondike, Kirby’s Agent of over 25 years. “Do you remember the time Samus wore a bikini and she didn’t get a game for eight years? Get real, people. Kirby sucks one thing, and that is the life force of the cute enemies threatening the realm of Popstar.”

Further questions regarding his lack of sexual experimentation prompted Kirby to absorb most of the equipment being used to conduct the interview.

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