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“Our New Cheeseburger Highkey Slaps. Poggers!” Tweets One of America’s Most Powerful Corporations

CHICAGO — Fast food restaurant and megacorporation McDonald’s made a tweet Tuesday claiming their new bacon quarter pounder ‘highkey slaps’ in order to appeal to a younger, more internet-savvy audience. 

“McDonald’s may be the embodiment of capitalism run amok, but we can still snatch weaves and spill the tea,” said McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinski. “It’s important to connect with today’s youth in the language they understand, and today’s consumer is increasingly ‘sus’ of companies that are ‘cheugy,’ I’m told. We at McDonald’s want to show that we are a casual, laid-back company, which we will achieve through intense focus grouping and targeted advertising. The moment our team realized we could essentially get free advertising by regurgitating popular slang was by far and away the biggest ‘bruh moment’ of our corporate history. Our meat may not resemble anything close to an animal, considering it’s a sludge of poisons we invented to capitalize on the fact that poor people can’t afford to buy healthy foods, but you have to admit it’s pretty poggers.”

McDonald’s Social Media Manager Daniel Maple spoke out in his defense.

“Look, what do you want from me? My job is to come up with ‘viral McDonald’s content.’ How the hell am I supposed to do that?” said Maple. “I’m just trying to earn a paycheck here, but it’s taking a toll. After you record yourself doing a Tiktok dance with a Big Mac in your hands, it’s hard to look your children in the eye anymore. At least they let me vent about my struggles on the corporate McDonald’s Finsta.”

At press time McDonald’s was under heavy criticism for a labor scandal involving heinous treatment of a reported three thousand workers, which was forgotten after a particularly savage clapback to Arby’s on Instagram.