Golf sucks, right? Despite what your old man says, it’s expensive, the courses are a blight on our planet’s surface, and it’s an activity generally reserved for those with more money and dumber clothing than you.
Video games, however, rule. I have very little interest in golf in real life, but much like stealing cars, raising a successful farm, or using my skateboard to grind across an entire airport, video games have figured out how to adapt something I was never going to do into playable experiences that I enjoy.
Your dad and his friends would shit their pants screaming at you if they saw you playing any of these takes on their beloved “sport,” but the best video games have always pissed off parents. These sick and twisted golf games are no different:
What the Golf? (Windows, Switch, Apple Arcade)
The top dog of alternative golf games, you absolutely won’t believe how many times one golf game can surprise you and make you laugh. This is one of the funniest games I’ve ever played, right up there with Portal 1 & 2, Jazzpunk, and that game I found on Steam where you shoot at seemingly innocent skiers with a sniper rifle. Of those all, What the Golf? has certainly given me the most actual laugh-out-loud moments. I don’t want to spoil a single one, so I will just say this game is wall to wall joy and chaos, and setting aside qualifiers like golf games or indie games, this is straight up one of my favorite games of all time. Careful though, if your dad catches you playing this he’s gonna drag your ass onto the golf course and teach you a lesson in the gentleman’s game. Be very careful with this one. Stash it with your hard drugs.
Golf Story (Switch)
One of the best early Switch exclusives, and six years later, one of the absolute best Switch exclusives of the whole system’s run. Golf-as-an-RPG could easily veer into gimmick territory, but Golf Story executes everything perfectly. The jokes work, the characters are endearing, and the golf is astoundingly solid. It’s as fun as it sounds and so, so much better than you ever realized a golf RPG that feels like an SNES game could be. It’s not just the fantastic pixel graphics that will remind you of vintage Nintendo games, either. The presentation, quirkiness, and modern setting all invoke Earthbound, while the eight themed worlds you progress through are straight out of Super Mario Bros. This game is an absolute blast, and truly one of a kind, evidenced by the underwhelming response its sequel, Sports Story received. You might pass this off to your Dad as a “real” golf game if you let him see some of the early courses. Don’t let him see the spooky Halloween shit at the end though, or he’ll have you writing an essay about Fuzzy Zoeller and won’t give you back your Nintendo until you’ve turned it in.
Golf Peaks (iOS, Windows, Switch, XB1)
This is video game golf at its most meditative. You play cards that either move your ball a predetermined number of squares (or perform a maneuver like jumping over an obstacle) in an effort to reach the hole with the cards you’ve been given for that round. Choosing which card to apply means there’s no mystery what will happen once you strike the ball, stripping Golf Peaks of one of its contemporaries’ most stressful elements. This is a great puzzle game, perfect for the Switch or Steam Deck when you feel like playing something chill until late at night, but also, you know, playing a golf game. Fire this one up after Dad had enough Miller Lites to make him sleepy, ‘cause he ain’t gonna like the look of it one bit.
Golf Club Wasteland (iOS, Android, Windows, PS4, XB1, Switch)
A wildly original, thoughtful game that paints a world with a large brush while also telling a poignant little story (or two), complete with one of the more impressive soundtracks to an indie game you’ll ever hear, golf or otherwise. It’s the future, and Earth is fucked and uninhabitable, and the citizens of Tesla City on Mars go down in rocket ships and play golf all over the Earth’s wreckage in little foursomes. This, however, is the story of one man and why he’s gone back by himself to play. Golf Club Wasteland is a golf game with a very engaging story and sadly, some underwhelming elements to its golf. The lack of any indication of where your ball is going to land leads to a lot of frustration, especially when pieces of the captivating narrative are unlocked by getting good scores. It feels like trying to play golf with the bazooka in Worms: Armageddon, which is too bad, because everything else about the game is great. Seriously, check out the soundtrack sometime. It’s an in-game radio broadcast called ‘Radio Nostalgia From Mars.’ It rules.
Ultimately, minor squabbles aside, this is a golf game with something to say, and your dad would uninstall it in a second if he knew how, especially since it’s the one game on this list that might really have active contempt for traditional golfers on display.
Kirby’s Dream Course (SNES)
This obviously isn’t a mainline Kirby game, and it’s not really much of a golf game, but this SNES gem is a fun, Marble Madness-esque take on miniature golf that you won’t confuse for PGA2K, but it will have you analyzing the course for your best strategy, even if said strategy involves aiming Kirby towards a warp zone and killing a few enemies along the way. This one is so unrecognizable as golf that your dad won’t even have that “You call this a golf game?!” shame. Just the regular shame!
Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour (GameCube)
Probably the closest thing to a conventional golf game on this list, but there’s still no way your father would abide playing 18 holes with Waluigi or Petey Piranha. Hell, even Mario and Luigi seem like assholes to people that think golfers should be wearing polo shirts. There’s been a bunch of Mario Golf games, and this is my favorite one, but they’re all good and a few are really great (Mario Golf Advance Tour is the way to go if you want an RPG experience, but be warned you play for hours before Mario shows up). For me, I prefer this one’s controls, gameplay, roster, soundtrack, and wealth of enjoyable minigames.
What’s that, Dad? Doesn’t look so bad? Fine, now let’s play the mode where you spin a slot machine and can only use the clubs it lands on. Hey Dad, come back!
CyberTiger (Nintendo 64, PS1)
If you really want to make your father cry, tell him you’re firing up a round of Tiger Woods golf on the N64. Ask if he wants to join you. Watch him light up as he finally senses some common ground between you two. Watch the light turn into rage as he discovers you’ve conned him into playing a surprisingly fun Golf-meets-Mario Kart style game. He will most definitely weep as he watches the child he channeled the best years of his life into laugh like a clown as he tells the Nintendo to make Tiger Woods’ head way larger than it should be. Bigger. Bigger. Bigger!!
“This isn’t golf, son,” he’ll say. “This is horsing around.”
Honorable Mentions
Here are some games that I’ve not played yet that look fun and all will make your fathers grumpy if you try to explain the premise to them. Try it out and post your best results in the comments!
Golfie (Windows)
This game is described as a ‘run-based, roguelike minigolf deck builder,’ which (a) sounds very fun and (b) will probably make your dad pass out if you said that to him.
Golf With Your Friends (Windows, Switch, PS4, SB1)
A fun multiplayer miniature golf game that your dad will scoff his nose at, just because he’s jealous of a way to play golf with your friends that doesn’t involve the high chance of a second DUI.
Cursed to Golf (Windows, PS4, PS5, XB1, XB X/S, Switch)
Drive, slice, and putt your way out of Golf Purgatory as your old man sighs, grunts, and shakes his head through Parenting Hell!
A Little Golf Journey (Windows, Switch)
A lovely looking miniature golf game that takes place on dioramas with a variety of interesting locales. Ask your dad when the next time he’s going on a little golf journey with his friends is next time he gives you some shit.
RPGolf Legends (Windows, PS4, PS5, XB1, XB X/S, Switch)
Think Golf Story meets Stardew Valley, and not a Switch exclusive. There’s crafting and combat, and best of all, Golf. All I care about now is golf games. Golf is life. Life is Golf. Isn’t this what you wanted, dad!?
