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Man Writes 2-Star TripAdvisor Review of The Continental Hotel After Arm Shot Off by Assassins in Midst of Battle

NEW YORK — The prestigious Continental Hotel took a hit to its reputation yesterday when an unsatisfied guest left a paltry 2-star review on TripAdvisor, frustratedly describing how he lost his arm due to a shotgun wound from a “totally preventable” gunfight involving hotel staff and guests.

“A shotgun blast tore through my arm, severing it from the elbow down, leaving me in tremendous pain and nearly ruining my whole trip to New York. I was told by staff that this ‘wasn’t allowed,’ but it took place nonetheless!” wrote user Alan B. “Also, it’s insane that this place doesn’t take credit cards. Who still walks around with loose gold coins in this day and age?”

While the bulk of the review focused on the unfortunate amputation-by-shotgun, the guest also took issue with a number of the hotel’s services.

“I’d heard this place had a great sommelier on staff, so I eagerly booked a tasting session. I was excited when he said he was going to start me off with a nice Italian vintage. Then he took me on a tour of the hotel’s extensive firearms collection, which was impressive at first, but also coincidentally, included the same shotgun that later blew my arm clean off.”

The owner of The Continental, a man known only as Winston, has expressed his remorse regarding the incident.

“While this guest was warned that the hotel was scheduled to be excommunicated on the evening of February 21st, I nevertheless apologise for the pain he suffered here at The Continental,” he remarked. “Our assassins on staff are trained to kill with one clean shot, and their failure to do so has caused our guest significant hardship rather than a swift, peaceful end and sullied our good name. Rest assured we are taking steps to make sure this never happens again.”

At press time, the Continental had doubled down on this promise with a new customer satisfaction program that sends consolation assassins to the homes of unsatisfied customers to kill them in their sleep.