WASHINGTON — This morning, United States Secretary of Homeland Security and dog shooting enthusiast Kristi Noem announced that Minneapolis ICE agent Jonathan Ross has officially been extended an invitation to the Christmas Adventurers Club.
“It is my honor and privilege to welcome agent Ross into this exclusive club,” said Noem during a press conference in the alley behind a kill shelter. “The Christmas Adventurers Club represents the pinnacle of what America is all about. White power. In taking down the dangerous radical leftist Renee Good as she was in the middle of her crime spree, agent Ross showed courage and bravery the likes of which we have not seen in a long time. It takes a strong will to kill a white and that’s what agent Ross demonstrated as he compromised to a permanent end that evil self-hating white Renee Good. More like Renee Bad,” Noem chuckled to herself as her lip and cheek fillers began to deflate to end the conference.
Agent Ross says it’s a dream come true to be admitted to the mysterious club.
“When I joined ICE it wasn’t only because I hated myself and felt there was no place I belonged. It was because I hate what our country has become. You can’t even say the N word anymore, or the R word, or the F word. That’s not the America I grew up in and it’s the fault of the same people who used their voodoo black magic to curse me with a micro-penis. The immigrants. I know it’s their fault because Fox News told me so. It’s always a shame when a white person is radicalized by online brainwashing but my life was in danger and I did what I had to. Because of what that crazed woman did I am now pooping more blood than usual. For my efforts to be rewarded by being welcomed to this club is an honor.”
While many on the right are applauding agent Ross’ invitation to the Christmas Adventurers Club, left leaning citizens are unhappy with the move.
“It’s absolutely disgusting that this dude murders a lady in cold blood and is being treated like a hero by the right,” claimed Comrade Josh. “That is not what America is about. I will do whatever it takes to help anyone being affected by this so long as they say the exact right thing to me.”
At press time, Noem claimed that Agent Ross had shot to the top of Erika Kirk’s to-do list.
