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Huge Film Buff Hasn’t Enjoyed One in Eight Years

LOS ANGELES — Sources have confirmed that Lance Pendleton, a film major who describes cinema as his singular passion, has not enjoyed a viewing of a movie in nearly a decade. 

“It’s too bad 99.9 percent of the thing that brings me more joy in the world than anything else is such shit,” said Pendleton. “And the worst part is that this isn’t just some recent trend. No, I’m afraid that films, the thing I have devoted my heart and soul to, are just a bunch of crap with one or two good ones a decade, if we’re lucky.”

Pendleton revealed that no cinematic collaboration has been worthy of his viewing since 2012’s Armour, Michael Haneke’s Palme d’Or winning meditation on love, aging, and responsibility, and that even that had its flaws. Several film scholars have corroborated Pendelton’s assessment regarding the overall state of global cinema. 

“It’s true, you can look it up,” said famed film historian Gates McGown. “There have been exactly 18 good movies produced since the invention of the medium. It is irrefutable. However, I must assert that if Mr. Pendleton includes Armour on that list of 18, well then he’s clearly a simpleton that needs to  take his ass back to Blockbuster Video and rent Bad Boys 3. That is not one of the good ones.”

Despite receiving no apparent joy through the majority of his interactions with the format, Pendleton stated that he would continue devoting his time to researching and viewing films that were certain to elicit a negative reaction from him. 

“I sure do miss going to The [New] Beverly [Cinema] every single night, just to see what kind of bullshit they’re screening,” he said, of the recent Covid-19 inspired stay at home orders. “It’ll be nice when we get back to normal and I can let my unhealthy fixation on a hobby that infuriates me form the toxic core of my personality.”

As of press time, Pendleton says he is going to start collecting stamps, which he “fucking hates.”

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