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BlackRock Buys House From ‘House of the Dead’ for $2.7 Million

EUROPE — Investment management firm BlackRock has reportedly bought the titular home from the video game House of the Dead for 2.7 million dollars, sources have confirmed. 

“Geez man, if I remember the game correctly, that house wasn’t in very good shape at all,” said Sonny McHale, a recently married gamer that is keeping his eye on the housing market. “I get that there might be a little bit of appeal because we all used to play that video game, but the place is honestly kind of a dump. If a fucked up house like that is fetching nearly three million, I can’t imagine me and my wife will be ready to buy a house anytime soon. Damn.” 

The firm, which has been accused of buying as many properties as possible to artificially manipulate the housing market, defended its actions. 

“People say we’re overpaying for houses just to bend the whole bigger picture to where we want it,” said Steven Pollard, a BlackRock executive. “But that’s nonsense. We just played a lot of House of the Dead and its sequels growing up, and we think it’d be fun to have an employee retreat or escape room type thing in there some time. That’s all. Not some larger plan to help ensure an entire generation won’t be able to afford homes.”

“Don’t you think someone would come in and stop us from doing that if that were the case?” he asked. 

Local realtors were skeptical of the house having any value to anyone. 

“Wow, they bought that old House of the Dead, huh?” asked Gustav Olsson, a real estate broker that had previously failed to sell the home. “I tried to sell that place for years and couldn’t even get a lowball offer on it. People love the games, but when they get in there and start walking around, it would become clear pretty quick that this is no place to raise a family. I mean, even if they got all the zombie carcasses and shell casings out of there, I can’t imagine what that place must smell like.”

As of press time, BlackRock had also reportedly purchased a recently listed mansion in Raccoon City.