Writer, Davey Spada, recently hit the Share button on the video game script for his company’s upcoming turn-based roguelike, Cerulean Empire: The Blade of War. After three arduous years, he’s ready to move forward on a game that a player will inevitably uninstall immediately after ten minutes, sources confirmed.
“All the branching story paths and different choices players can make is going to blow their minds. I think we’ve done something really unique with these characters and how they develop along with the player. It’ll be a truly amazing experience,” says Spada about a game that will receive low-to-average reviews and cost his company hundreds of thousands of dollars. “I’m so excited for players to discover this world we’ve built.”
Spada continued on about stat upgrades and the variety of weapons, armor, and loot. While Spada could barely contain his elation, the art team at Arcadia Arcade, the developer, isn’t as excited.
“I guess the story is fine but most of the monsters are generic mash-ups. A snake with a lion head. A wolf with a sheep’s head. A bear with wolverine claws. Which isn’t even really noticeable. In fact, their claws are actually smaller,” stated lead artist Lynora Pascal, referring to the game that a player will give up on instantly, even after buying the full version through a Steam sale. “And then there’s a scorpion that’s just a little bigger than a normal scorpion.”
The past few years were treacherous for Spada. After breaking three ribs in a car crash that took his daughter, losing his mother while she was held hostage in a bank robbery, and his wife leaving him for a Twitch streamer, Davey was hoping this game would be what put Arcadia Arcade on the map.
“We’ve dumped a ton of dough into acquiring this one from Arcadia,” said Mike Clarence, assistant head of Distribution at Activision Blizzard, a publisher known for taking big creative risks and treating its employees with the utmost respect. “I’m not afraid to break Spada’s ribs again if this bombs.”
Spada was recently seen wearing a fur coat and putting a down payment on a boat ahead of what he refers to as “a sure to be perfect release and reception of my magnum opus.”
