WASHINGTON — With the second coming of Death Stranding just days away, the world is bracing itself for the latest video game from Hideo Kojima.
“These Kojima predictions are real touch and go,” said Douglas Kirk, a spokesperson for the Federal Emergency Management Agency, as he slipped on a hazmat suit and smashed his cellphone into pieces. “Whatever the lunatic predicts could come to fruition in days, weeks, maybe even years. We have to prepare for anything. Don’t get caught sleeping behind the wheel. Pack a bugout bag, but also barricade your doors. Horde everything. Trust no one.”
Now desperate, people around the country are pleading with Kojima to have a change of heart and cancel the upcoming sequel. #PleaseKojima has gone viral on Twitter.
“You don’t have to do this to us,” wrote @LaLeLuLiLoGamer, a regular Kojima reply guy on Twitter. “Could you just do a spinoff of Boktai instead?”
“On the beach? Oh great, now I can’t go to the beach for the next 20 years on the off chance this game predicts something terrible,” wrote @C0keNJackBeachBum.
“We’re still fighting off all the misinformation stuff from MGS2. Cool it Hideo,” wrote Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez .
While Hideo Kojima just smirked at inquiring members of the press and said nothing as he left a showing of Elio, one Kojima Productions employee spoke on the condition of anonymity.
“Kojima-san is excited for you to play Death Stranding 2,” said the employee, who looked over their shoulder to make sure Kojima wasn’t looking before saying the next part. “You all need to run for your lives. The things he’s put in this game will unleash a darkness this world has never seen before. We of course all had our part in bringing his vision to life, BUT FOR GOD’S SAKE RUN YOU FOOLS. RUN AND HIDE.”
At press time a dark shadow loomed over the entire planet.
