TAMPA, Fla. — Local gamer Perch Goldman has announced that the steering wheel attachment for his Nintendo Wii has made it through another round of cleaning and will remain in his cabinet for the time being.
“It was a close one this year, but eventually it seemed worth it to keep it around a little while in case I want to boot up Mario Kart with some friends sometime,” said Goldman, shortly after the purge.
All of Goldman’s other Wii Remote attachments, such as the tennis attachment for Wii Sports and the rifle attachment for Buck Country: Extreme Hunting, were removed by 2014, as Goldman claimed they were not worth the space in the bin at the bottom of his cabinet full of equipment for his Wii.
“Honestly, the first time I used that stupid rifle attachment I knew it wasn’t worth keeping. And the Wii Sports things were fun when I was a kid, but I’m a man now and I understand that it’s not a real baseball bat, it’s just plastic,” Goldman explained. “But there’s something about that steering wheel that makes it worth keeping around.
Goldman’s steering wheel seemed relieved for the moment, yet understood just how close things had come this time.
“I thought this was it for me,” the steering wheel attachment told reporters, aggressively puffing a cigarette and wiping sweat from its plastic steering forehead. “He hasn’t used me in 3 years, and that was ironically. I thought I was a goner. Thought I was done for. Getting sent out to pasture,” he said, taking a long drag. “Who knows if I’m gonna pull it off again next year. Not me, that’s for goddamn sure. But we made it one more year. One more year…”
At press time, a cabinet-wide memorial service was being held for Goldman’s gaming accessories who were not lucky enough to avoid disposal this time, including his PS2 memory card and the manual to his otherwise lost copy of Super Mario Strikers for GameCube.
