MATAWAN, NJ– Family and friends are shocked 7-year-old Zay Metcalf has been seen taking Funko Pops out of their cardboard tombs and on hours-long whirlwind adventures of childhood whimsy, reports confirm.
“They’re kind of fun,” Metcalf said, reenacting scenes from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem on the front steps of his house. “I like them because you can get all the guys. Target is always sold out of the good figures, and when they do got them, it’s super expensive, it costs all the birthday money for one ‘Ninja Shouts Donatello.’ But at the scary mall you can get these for three for $10.”
Metcalf’s uncle, Josh Metcalf, is particularly stunned by his nephew’s interest in Funko Pops as playthings.
“He has no idea of the potential value of these collectibles. He takes them out of the box, runs around the playground with them and takes them to school,” Josh Metcalf said, spraying a Haslab Marvel Legends Sentinel with an aerosol duster can. “And he’s not even impressed with the Metallic Freddie Funko as Count Chocula I got at San Diego in 2011! He prefers the characters from his favorite shows, totally ignoring the price on the secondary market … Last Christmas, I got him a bunch of Eternals figures that were on clearance at Barnes and Noble. He didn’t even care about the characters’ backstory, he just wanted to sit around making stuff up. Really weird.”
The Funko Pops as toys phenomenon has been condemned by the Funko corporation.
“Pops were never intended to be used for play. In fact, we did everything short of making them out of asbestos to make them unappealing to children. Cheap material, no accessories, single point of articulation, horrible designs, we spared every cost to make them as cheap, disposable, and ugly as possible,” said Funko CEO, Andrew Perlmutter as he handwaved approval for a line of Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget figures.
“Pops were made for specific purposes–as filler for loot crates and mystery boxes, or office decor for when you know exactly one of your secret santa’s interests, also for speculators and scalpers to gamble with. Not as toys,” he said as stared into the expressionless black eyes of Rocky the chicken.
At press time Metcalf’s parents replied to reporters with a brief email writing, “we really don’t care, as long as it keeps him off the iPad.”
