There is no more feverish time in the world of video games than the dawn of a new generation of consoles. Details regarding the upcoming arms race between Microsoft and Sony have been few and far between, and the recent revealing of information regarding the newest Xbox has increased interest in the mysterious PlayStation 5. Through a rigorous series of manipulations, misrepresentations, and downright bribery, I was able to get my hands on a prototype of the upcoming system, and boy, this thing is breakable folks.
Sony rightfully has been pretty restrictive about access to details and things like that, and certainly a journalist with mock credentials has no business being alone in a room with one of the most sought after gadgets of the decade. This is why I told the nice man that I saw him drop something out in the waiting room he had summoned me from. He said he shouldn’t leave me in there alone with it and I told him he had nothing to worry about and that all I’d brought in with me was a pencil and little pocket notebook.
As soon as he left, I began poking the pencil into any part of the unit that looked like it might come apart. This thing is sleek, by the way. I am happy to report that it looks like a hefty son of a bitch that would probably fuck your foot up real bad if you ever dropped it, so be careful this holiday season!
Oh, and if you do drop it on your foot, odds are good it’ll come apart into a dozen pieces. I was just getting going poking at the son of a bitch and it came apart and suddenly looked like a fucking Blooming Onion. With just a pencil! They better do something about this before it hits shelves. Kids are gonna tear this thing to shreds.
So what became a mission of curiosity quickly became one of recovery, as I frantically raced to put back together what was just moments ago a sleek monolith of gaming before the guy came back. I mean, he was already going to be mad because I lied about seeing him drop something out there. I did my best to stuff “the guts,” back into the black parts, and I spit on pieces of paper I’d pulled from my notebook to try to keep the black parts together. I did my best to color these sheets of paper with my ink pen so they would go unnoticed, but there just wasn’t enough time. When Sony came back into the room, he was disappointed and seriously pissed off.
In closing, I have no clue if the PlayStation 5 is going to be backwards compatible or have FloppyBytes or whatever the fuck. It looks tight, though. And it is heavier than the 4. You heard it here first.
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