REDMOND, Wash. — Fearsome trash-talker and Halo matchmaking enthusiast Timmy Dobbins has lost a valuable online trump card this week as his father has reportedly lost his job at Microsoft, Dobbins confirmed.
“Okay so I guess Microsoft fired a bunch of people this week, and it looks like my dad might’ve been one of them,” said 12-year-old Timmy. “Which is total bullshit cause, like, my dad worked really hard for them and he was really good at banning all the people who were mean to me in Halo. But also, I’m not even really that worried because my dad still has some really powerful friends at Microsoft who can definitely still ban all these fucking griefers.”
Timmy’s father, Randall Dobbins, expanded upon his responsibilities with the company as well as his feelings on the company’s recent staffing changes.
“Yeah so my main role at Microsoft was to carefully and strategically ban certain accounts that may have been standing in the way of my son reaching Onyx in Halo: Infinite,” said Randall, 43. “The layoff wasn’t really a huge surprise though, they’ve really been cleaning house over there. In our division, we had a saying: ‘Don’t like your job? Just wait a month.’ Come December, Microsoft Gaming will mostly consist of Phil Spencer and whatever poor schmuck is caught neck deep playing Destiny with him. It’s not all bad, though. I was able to secure a severance package of 3 months’ Game Pass Ultimate and a few thousand Spartan Points.”
Fellow Halo lover Michael Diaz was quick to weigh in on how Timmy’s Dad’s employment status could affect his gameplay moving forward.
“I’ve lived in constant fear of Timmy for years,” said Diaz, 26. “If I saw him queue into my lobby, I’d just log out. I was terrified of making even one mistake and getting a perma-ban from Timmy’s dad. Now, I finally feel free. I’m excited to finally rack up kills in Fiesta Slayer in a world free from Timmy’s tyranny, and I know a lot of people feel the same.
At press time, Timmy is getting really into Counter-Strike following his dad’s promising interview at Valve.
