With the Apple Vision Pro comes new and innovative ways to die like a moron. This augmented reality headset not only makes you look stupid but it will make your death look stupid as well. As with any new technology, the Apple Vision Pro promises endless possibilities for your early demise. Like previous technological marvels such as the Tesla or the TikTok challenge, human advancement can only be measured in how dumb one can be as they shuffle off this mortal coil. After all, what’s the purpose of new technology if it doesn’t help the population problem sort itself out a bit? With that, I present to you the top ten ways to die while using the Apple Vision Pro.
Heart Attack
Not everyone using this device will be ready for it. Some elder millennials will think they can handle having a real minimap in their line of sight or even that it might be funny to watch Cats on a virtual movie theater screen in their living room. These people will be wrong and it will cost them their lives. The shock of this new and in-your-face way to see things you can look at on your phone will be too much for many people and their hearts will just give up. Living in the future just isn’t meant for everybody. It’s less flashy than most Apple Vision Pro deaths but at least they’ll have some dignity.
Run Over While Crossing the Street
This will happen in two separate waves. The first wave will be Apple Vision Pro users who are using it safely, not obstructing their view of the real world and looking both ways. Unfortunately, these people will be run over by Teslas that are on autopilot because the driver is also using the Apple Vision Pro. The second wave will be Apple Vision Pro users who are typing up work emails on the go or watching Bring It On while they get their steps in and will simply walk into oncoming traffic.
Fiery Car Crash
This will mostly happen to Tesla and Cybertruck drivers so no harm done.
Beaten to Death
Many Apple Vision Pro users will take it with them on public transportation. These people will be so engrossed in what they’re doing that they’ll miss their stop and end up on the bad side of town. Some will just walk to the bad side of town by accident. Once they’re on that side they are no longer a person, they are a walking victim with an expensive item strapped to their face. They will be promptly beaten to death as their Vision Pro is stolen and stripped for parts.
Falling Down an Elevator Shaft
Many Apple Vision Pro users will think that if they just use it within the confines of an indoor area they will be safe. Not so. For you see many of them will be wandering through the halls of their apartment buildings oblivious to the open elevator shafts. They may avoid it for a time, just barely turning around before they fall into the abyss but sooner or later they will step through the doors and comically plummet to their deaths while they try to get one last email sent as they fall.
Hit by a Train
A lot of Apple Vision Pro users don’t even live near train tracks but when you’re enthralled in the augmented reality thrill of doing Excel spreadsheets on the go it’s hard to notice how far you’ve walked. Inevitably they’ll make it to a train track. They’ll be so locked into the Vision Pro that they won’t hear the train coming. The desperate train engineer’s horn will go unnoticed, the breaks won’t be fast enough, and then splat.
Kidnapped and Killed When No One Pays the Ransom
The Apple Vision Pro is an expensive piece of equipment and that means wearing it in public is going to attract some unsavory fellows. After all, wearing it is like a bright neon sign that screams you have too much disposable income. Some poor sap is going to be filling out their TPS reports and wander into the wrong alleyway. They’ll be kidnapped and held for ransom under the assumption that someone with this piece of tech must also have rich friends and family. Unfortunately, the ransom will not be paid as the friends and family of Apple Vision Pro users will be so engrossed in their own augmented reality that they won’t even notice the disappearance so the kidnappers will have no choice but to kill them.
Walking Into The Middle of a Police Shootout
Let this be a lesson. Don’t watch Heat on the Apple Vision Pro because you’ll wander into a real police shootout and won’t notice. At least you’ll die watching Heat so it’s not all bad.
Falling in the Lion Den at the Zoo
Using the Apple Vision Pro at the zoo might seem like a good idea at first. You get to see the animals and have their stats and bio projected into your view. But that will only lead to accidentally falling into the lion den while looking for the Dippin’ Dots stand. The lions will maul you to death and no one will help because why would they, it’s your fault and the lion is cute.
Wandering Onto a Construction Site and Falling Off the Building
The apex of Apple Vision Pro usage. So completely oblivious to real-life surroundings that the user will wander onto a construction site. They’ll narrowly avoid death at every turn as they blindly climb the scaffolding of the in-progress building. Arms flailing about as they type messages and swipe left and right on Tinder. It will be mesmerizing to watch all the ways that the user just barely avoids a horrific death. The construction workers will take bets on what will strike the fatal blow. Onlookers will watch from a safe distance, cheering and booing as the user continues to miraculously survive. Popcorn vendors will make the biggest payday of their lives. Then the user will reach the top and walk off. The crowd disperses, the construction workers go back to work, the Vision Pro is stolen from the corpse and stripped for parts, those parts are sold on the black market, the market seller ships them to China with a fake business name, in China the parts are sent back to Apple factory for the children to make more Vision Pros. It’s the circle of life.
