THE OBSERVER — Tragic news has been received after US Spacecraft ‘The Observer’ came in contact with an unknown alien species Wednesday evening leading to a massacre of almost all people onboard. Ethan Summers, thirty year old father of two, was one of the many unfortunate victims.
“He was always a beacon of hope and wisdom,” says grieving wife Maya Summers. “He gave the best advice to everyone around him. I remember on our first date he told me ‘remember to blink or your eyes will dry’. When our first son started kindergarten he told him ‘when your hunger gets high consume food to lower it.’”
The Observer is reportedly still adrift in space and the interior is stained with the blood and corpses of human passengers, as well as ‘The Gylzobs’, alien creatures discovered by U.S. Space Army scientists that visited it after the massacre.
“This is our biggest nightmare come to life,” remarks U.S. Space Army Colonel David Gunpowder. “The Observer was the single most impenetrable spacecraft in the galaxy! It was decked out with laser turrets, flamethrower drones, and self-piloting mechs. How were we supposed to know the blasted aliens had telepathy based abilities with nearby technology?”
A Gylzob allegedly ripped off the lower half of the late Mr. Summers’ body during the initial contact before Summers crawled to a nearby wall and used his leaking fluids to write one final piece of information on the wall for an unknown party.
“His upper body was propped up against the wall with the words ‘Right stick to turn camera’ written next to him,” reports Space Army scientist Nelson Eggbrain. “Personally I’m at a loss at what this is supposed to mean and to whom it’s directed toward, but it could have a relation to the words that were written on the wall in the following room which said ‘press X to jump’. That room strangely contained a giant gap in the middle of the floor.”
The sole survivor of the incident was a man named Duke Gatlinghand. However, every request to speak with him has been met with strange grunts, repeated crouching and standing, and 2 foot high stationary jumps.
