As you probably know by now, it’s not your business to judge how a person dresses or who they’ve hooked up with. Unfortunately, the fact that it’s none of their business has not stopped the Kong family from relentlessly slut-shaming Donkey Kong’s girlfriend, Candy Kong.
Should we worry that Candy Kong presents a shallow, hypersexualized image that reinforces reductive female stereotypes?
No.
Candy Kong is her own person! It’s not like she was designed by men to suit the male gaze.
Moving on: let’s find out who’s trash.
#17 — Funky Kong
Funky Kong has been to, like, 300 orgies. That one month in college where you “got a little crazy” has been Funky Kong’s entire adult life. His favorite place to surf is a nude beach, he eats ass for breakfast, and he’s fucked two presidents. Funky Kong knows what’s up, and he has—of course—never once made Candy Kong feel uncomfortable.
#16 — Kiddy Kong
Can you imagine if Kiddy Kong, a literal toddler, had slut-shamed Candy Kong? He’s three. Gender norms don’t exist to him yet. He has no idea what’s going on, and honestly? Good for him.
#15 — Tiny Kong
Tiny Kong adores Candy. Someday, she aspires to be the second coming of Candy Kong. Hallelujah, amen.
#14 — Chunky Kong
Chunky Kong canonically likes ballet. He’s a manly ball of beef, but he’s a manly beefball with depth! If he finds out you were weird to Candy, you’re gonna get ballet-kicked in the face.
#13 — Pinkly Kong
Pinkly Kong is Donkey Kong Jr.’s extremely private, reclusive brother. No living being on Earth has heard of him, even though his body is hot pink and he has one of the most conspicuously bizarre names we’ve ever encountered. Hard Drive was not able to reach him for comment.
#12 — Donkey Kong Jr.
Okay, this dude is either the son of Donkey Kong, a younger version of Donkey Kong, or Donkey Kong’s dad, and for some reason, we don’t know which. Is he a time traveler and he’s all three?? Holy fuck, is Donkey Kong HIS OWN DAD?! DK Jr. has got bigger things to worry about than Candy Kong’s personal life—he might be shattering the spacetime continuum just by existing. Who the fuck is this guy? Does he even know?
#11 — Lanky Kong
Lanky Kong is gay, and he has technically called Candy a slut, but he meant it as a compliment. Candy’s down with it. They call each other sluts. They’re reclaiming the term!
Warning: Do not take this as permission to call your possible future uncle-in-law a slut. The dynamic between these two is lightning in a bottle and I regret to inform you that you will never achieve it in your lifetime. Do you and your boyfriend’s family wear crop tops together on coordinated crop top days? No? Then don’t try this at home.
#10 — Donkey Kong
He doesn’t actively slut-shame his own girlfriend, but Donkey Kong rarely calls out others when they do. He also hasn’t noticed the blatant double standard where people shit on Candy’s “revealing” outfits but don’t criticize him for being fully balls-out 24/7. Step it up, man.
#9 — Super Kong
Super Kong is Donkey Kong’s clone. I know what you’re thinking: “What the fuck? There are clones? I’m just out here trying to learn about gorilla feminism and now I’m finding out there’s motherfucking clones in Donkey Kong??” And that’s all valid and correct, but we’re on an important journalistic mission here, and we’ve got to stay focused on Candy Kong.
Super Kong is the hotter and therefore more evil version of DK, so yes, he has. But he’s still kind of Donkey Kong, so only a little bit.
#8 — Dixie Kong
Dixie has called Candy a skank a couple times— but she didn’t know what it meant, she’d just heard it in Mean Girls. Dixie is not the brightest of the Kong family.
#7 — Wrinkly Kong (RIP)
Wrinkly Kong is so old she’s dead. The ghost of Donkey Kong’s grandma definitely slut-shames Candy, but she dances around it a bit, calling her outfits “interesting” and “certainly something” and “trampy.” She also calls Candy “Donkey’s little girlfriend” so much it’s unclear whether she actually knows her name.
#6 — Diddy Kong
Diddy Kong was radicalized online and shrieks about Donkey Kong failing the green line test with his branch-swinging girlfriend.
He never calls her a slut to her face, but on his private Discord group? Oh boy.
#5 — Super Diddy
Super Diddy took a vow of silence three years ago. He looks like if he could say it, he would though.
#4 — Swanky Kong
Swanky’s vibes are absolutely vile. He has what can only be described as personal injury attorney energy. Every year for Thanksgiving, Swanky Kong is asked to bring a side and he brings cocaine. As for Candy, he calls her Sugar Tits, a nickname he says is clever because her name is Candy and she, quote, “has tits.”
We did some research on Swanky and it turns out that (like some other folks on Donkey Kong Island) even though he has the last name Kong, he’s actually not related to anyone else listed here. Everyone calls him part of the family, but it’s unclear how and why that is.
#3 — King Kong (No Relation)
He’s never met Candy Kong, but if he did, he’d probably pull a Classic King Kong™ and kidnap her and drag her up a skyscraper. It’s not really slut-shaming, but it’s physically dangerous, legally a crime, and socially just not a very chill move.
#2 — Cranky Kong
Fuck this guy. I don’t even want to get into it.
#1 — Uncle Kong
Uncle Kong…mm.
Sorry, just threw up in my mouth a little. Within 46 seconds of our interview with Uncle Kong, he used every disparaging word I’ve ever heard used against women, twice. He’s a disrespectful sleazebag who lies to absolutely everybody that Candy has slept with everyone on Donkey Kong Island, and Yoshi’s Island, too. This asswad looked me in the face and said, “Smash Bros? She sure has!” Uncle Kong sucks. If you choose one thing from this list to remember (aside from the fact that Donkey Kong has clones and might be his own dad), it’s to never, ever, ever interact with Uncle Kong.
