WICHITA, KS – According to reports Lewis Platt froze in his kitchen on Sunday night when his parents, Joan and Harold Platt, asked him about his ongoing job search.
“He told us several weeks ago that he was applying for a job at our local delicatessen,” Mrs. Platt laments. “But when I asked him about it last night, he just froze. He won’t react to anything.”
“We don’t know if he’s made any progress, but he’s been spending a lot of time on his computer lately playing this game called Superhot,” adds Mr. Platt. “I’ve never heard of it, and neither has anyone in my office. The other guys, their kids are all playing that Counterstrike or Fortnite. Meanwhile, my kid is some weirdo game – embarrassing.”
Mrs. Platt rolls her eyes. “I don’t see how that’s relevant, Harold.”
Mr. and Mrs. Platt have tried several methods of getting a reaction from Lewis. “We waved our hands, we baited him with a Nutter Butter, Harold made fart noises… nothing. No matter what we do, he won’t move. And we tried for hours,” sighs Mrs. Platt. “We were worried he was catatonic, but when we were heading to bed last night, I heard his signature thunderous footsteps and the toilet flushing. Once I’m tucked in, I’m done for, and Harold’s slow on account of his knee replacement. By the time he got downstairs, Lewis was right where we left him.”
Mr. Platt shrugs. “I’m not worried. He has to shower eventually.” Mrs. Platt doesn’t seem to agree.
According to his parents, Lewis is very non-confrontational. “He loves his alone time in his room,” Mr. Platt mentions. “That’s why I think he’d make a great boss. My boss’ door is always closed whenever I try to meet with him, and I always think ‘my kid could be him one day.’”
Mrs. Platt has tried to physically move Lewis out of her kitchen with no success. “I think he Gorilla Glued his feet to the kitchen floor while we were sleeping,” she says, shocked. “He knows how expensive that tiling was. When he gets that delicatessen job, I’m making him pay for it. Our friend upstairs knows he doesn’t pay for anything else,” she scoffs.
Tensions were bubbling over Lewis’ job search before this confrontation, but Lewis only wanted to talk about one thing. “He just kept saying that Superhot was the most innovative shooter he’d played in years,” recalls Mr. Platt. “Maybe I should enlist him in the army. That’d give me something to be proud of.”
As of this article’s publication, Lewis is still in the Platts’ kitchen, unresponsive but still standing. Joan last noticed his head tipping forward before bolting upright again. This article will be updated as more information becomes available.
UPDATE: Lewis’ delicatessen application has been found by his computer. It is blank except for his name and home address.
