SEATTLE — The Internet was taken by storm this week when Concerned Ape announced an upcoming Stardew Valley update that seemingly includes, as Eric Barone himself phrases it, “good old suckin’ and fuckin’”
“I just felt like it was time,” Barone said. “We’ve obviously got dating and marriage and then eventually, a child pops up out of the blue with no explanation. This sort of ambiguity worked for a while but I think at this point I owe it to the fans. A lot of people have asked for polycules over these last few years but I think this feels like a better start that’s more in line with the general life sim aspect.”
An insider at Polygon had some additional juicy details on the development.
“We can’t share too many details but what we do know is that naturally, Mr. Qi is at the crux of things,” the source claimed. “He’s one of the newest additions and obviously a sort of Baccus-meets-Twin Peaks type figure who’s ready for debauchery. They’re actually set to be separate quests that you’ll have to unlock behind two doors marked ‘suck’ and ‘fuck’ in a secret room at the back of the casino. Oh baby. Sign me up.”
One eager Stardew Valley fan had their own theories.
“I honestly think that he’s going to work it into the Night Market,” speculated local gamer Laura Kirk. “I mean, it’s the perfect setting, obviously. The boat you get on could even take you to another mysterious island off the coast of Ginger Island, a sort of adults only resort type deal. And I’d want the mermaids to run it. Yeah, I’ve always wanted to romance the mermaids.”
As of press time, rumors persist that the update will also include a Krobus Sex Dungeon DLC Pack, Pam’s Poppers and Jojamart Dick Pills.
