LEXINGTON, Ky. — Tinder date Kyla Erwin showed no discernible sign of arousal at my impressive display of Elder Scrolls knowledge despite being a professed sapiosexual, sources report.
“I definitely am attracted to intelligence,” Erwin said. “However, when I identify as a sapiosexual, I’m referring to things like problem solving skills and a long reading history. I’m not talking about your ability to mindlessly rattle off the ‘nine provinces of Tamriel’ from some video game I’ve never even heard of when the conversation hasn’t even come close to warranting it. Honestly, we had just introduced ourselves when you went into it, and when I asked if this was some Lord of the Rings thing, you snorted like I had told a joke. I’m definitely going to make some clarifications to my Tinder description tonight.”
I had a bone to pick about Erwin’s supposed sapiosexuality.
“I honed in on that part of her description when we matched,” I told reporters. “So I came to Ruby Tuesday ready to discuss my comprehensive understanding of magic, from its origin as raw energy flowing into Aetherius through the sun and stars, to its uses in spellcasting and spellmaking. I didn’t even have a chance to get into it, though, because she said she ‘wasn’t really interested in all of that’ while I was describing the history of the Nords’ use of Thu’um. I’m sorry, but what sapiosexual wouldn’t be into this? If she doesn’t think I’m smart, I can name countless people on r/ElderScrolls who think otherwise.”
Sociologist Gareth Ng has experience with these situations.
“It is true that a large portion of the population is turned on by intelligence,” Ng noted. “However, it’s exceedingly rare that video game knowledge qualifies as such. Comprehensive grasps on literature or mathematics are usually closer to what sapiosexuals like, but gamers struggle to grasp this idea. I recommend they become more acquainted with what their dates are into before meeting in person, if at all possible.”
At press time, I attempted to salvage our date by giving Kyla unsolicited advice on building a powerful deck in Slay the Spire.
