EAGLETON, Ohio — Oft-picked-on seventh-grader Zach Leland was heard to say that he could totally take infamous school bully, Trevor Meyer if their confrontations followed a classic turn-based RPG format instead of the current, real-time beatdown system in place on the school playground, skeptical friends report.
“I’m just saying, if we were taking turns and I had time to, you know, consider what command options I wanted to use, I’d wipe the floor with him,” said Zach, who has logged over 300 hours in Persona 5 and claims to have beaten Final Fantasy X without using Phoenix Downs. “Like, imagine I could just scroll down to ‘Counterattack’ or equip my foam sword that I made for Comic-Con. But in real life he just throws me to the ground and starts whiling on me before I even get to equip my hoodie.”
According to eyewitnesses, Trevor likes a more Simultaneous Action system.
“Some might say I am just mashing, but I use strategy. Like when his backpack was still half-zipped, I initiated a surprise strike that was a shoulder shove, hat knock, into a wedgie combo,” Trevor bragged while sitting on Zach’s chest. “I definitely invested all my skill points into Strength and dexterity. My build is all about fast and raw damage output. He’s got, like, one defensive move and that is crying to the teachers. It’s effective in the moment but it’s no way to win.”
Military and RPG Historian Alicia Chen explained that
“These fights tend to last under ten seconds, far too fast for Zach to summon his inner rage-spirit or even activate Block, especially considering his anxiety and low initiative,” Chen explained. “In a turn-based setup, Zach probably would have a bit of an upper hand. He could start with a taunt to lower Trevor’s defense, have time to heal, and if all else fails, pull off a desperation summon: his mom. Some bullies actually do allow a form of turn-based action called ‘I’ll give you one free swing,’ but that is more of a distraction technique.”
At press time, Leland had attempted to pitch the turn-based idea to Meyer, who apparently declined the offer with a surprise punch to the gut.
