VIEWROS — After downloading the latest software update to her Power Suit, Samus Aran is now required to watch a 30-second advertisement everytime she wants to fully charge her Power Beam, sources confirm.
“These suits were designed to last a lifetime,” said one Galactic Federation programmer hired to upgrade the bounty hunter’s iconic armor. “But from a money-making perspective, that’s psychotic! So we put a paywall inside it, giving limited access to the user and putting a premium on the actual fun stuff.”
The update – which happened in the middle of the night without Aran’s knowledge or consent – has capped fully charged Power Beam shots to three a day, while also locking the grappling hook behind a $30 DLC.
“I have no idea where I am, or how to get out, and now I need to watch a Hims.com ad whenever I activate my power visor?” Samus remarked in the contents of a distress signal originating on the undiscovered planet, Viewros. “It’s not enough that I’m literally biologically fused with this suit, but now my wallet is too?”
The Power Suit, which was originally designed by the Chozo, has been reverse engineered by the Galactic Federation to maximize its revenue gaining potential. This resulted in half of the suit’s abilities being pushed behind a paywall that can only be unlocked through the purchase of a premium subscription.
“We considered slapping brand logos all over it like a NASCAR driver,” said the head of the Galactic Federation’s marketing team. “But the only things that would ever see those are the gross aliens and bugs she’s always killing, not our preferred demographic, so instead we put the ads inside the suit, pretty genius, right?!”
At press time, with the help of Space Pirates, Samus has successfully installed uBlock Origin in the suit and set its VPN to Albania.
