Okay, you made some rough choices somewhere down the road and now you’re here, forced to play a game of Russian Roulette for the amusement of your captors. But fear not! Because today we have some tips and tricks for victory that’ll blow your mind. But not literally, of course. That would go against the point of this article.
#1 — Learn to imitate the sound of a clicking gun
Anyone can learn to voice act and most who do are self-taught. Think of all the video games you’ve played in your life. Remember all the times you’ve gone to fire your gun, not realizing it was empty and been met with naught with an underwhelming click? That’s the sound you need to imitate when you raise the gun to your head and pull the trigger just enough so that it looks like the gun should fire, but not enough so that it actually does. Combine that with a convincing enough click sound, and those bastards should be none the wiser!
#2 — Aim the gun at your earhole so the bullet just comes out the other ear
Maybe, despite all the time you have to practice in your crudely-built little bamboo cage, you just can’t get that clicking sound right. Not to worry, we have you covered. Not literally, of course. I’m not taking a fucking bullet for you, but here’s what you should do: when it’s your turn, always be sure to line the barrel of the gun right up with your earhole so that — should the worst case scenario occur and a bullet does come out, it simply sails through your earhole and comes out the other.
Contrary to popular belief, the ear canal is actually a very primitive thing; practically a straight line! And so if you can line up the shot right, the bullet will just go through one side and come out the other, no mess. The onlookers may be upset that you survive on a technicality, but that’s their fault for not knowing the strats! The line-up isn’t easy, but this is one of the most surefire ways to survive. If they don’t like it, they can just kill you themselves or whatever.
#3 — Spin the gun so fast that it confuses your captors and gives you a chance to escape
A pretty daring one here, because if you mess this up, you might just further antagonize the baying crowd, but should you pull this off successfully, it’s also by far the most badass option. Your goal here is to build up some serious power in whichever wrist you plan on spinning the gun with, so maybe even do some wrist stretches in your cage beforehand.
Then, spin that baby with all the strength you can muster! You’ll know you’ve done this right if you see the eyes of all the enemy soldiers go all swirly like in Rocky and Bullwinkle or Looney Tunes and they start walking around on spaghetti legs. This is your chance to escape, and for some extra cool points, maybe take the gun and blast some of the bad guys on your way out!
Just remember, don’t look at the gun yourself once you’ve spun it — otherwise you’ll fall into your own trap and only delay the inevitable as both you and the enemy army spend moments recovering from the intense dizziness before just having to go back to playing the game.
#4 — Politely ask if someone else wants to play
Far from our most consistent trick, but also a pretty low-risk one, as the worst outcome you can reasonably expect is being told to get back in your chair and getting poked with a bayonet.
You might be surprised, but this kind of reverse psychology sometimes works! Often war criminals are people who come from harsh, sad backgrounds. Often they weren’t treated with much respect themselves growing up, so who knows? This sudden expression of manners and goodwill may very well open up their hearts to some kindness.
Maybe they’re so touched by this shocking nicety that they let you go, or even decide that watching has been so much fun, they do want to get in on the action themselves! It might sound far fetched but trust us — we’ve got your back. Again, not literally. You are on your own.
#5 — Shit yourself
We really didn’t want to have to suggest this, but if all else fails, this really is your last resort. If you can’t apply any of our other tips and are in dire straits — there’s every chance that defecating in your pants could produce a smell so foul that it clears the room entirely.
Even if that doesn’t happen, it makes it unlikely anyone wants to go near your cadaver should you lose the game of Russian Roulette. More likely, your captors — if you can understand them — will demand you go and wash yourself off, at which point you have another chance to escape, whether through a bathroom window or a sewage pipe. It’s not sanitary, but it is pretty potent, much like the smell you’re hoping to create.
And there it is! 5 tips and tricks to survive the average game of Russian Roulette. We wish you the best of luck out there and don’t forget to check out our guides like Strategies for When You’re Trapped in an Actual Gulag and So You’re Doing a James Bond Thing: How to Get to the Sex Part.