MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Princess Peach continues to defend the controversial installation of lava tiles around the Mushroom Kingdom intended to deter loitering, sources have confirmed.
“I understand that using lava seems a little harsh,” said the Princess, addressing villagers from her castle earlier today. “But it’s meant to deter, not injure. Maybe you should think of it as tough love. Have you ever really paid attention to a Goomba or a Koopa Troopa? They will pace for hours if left to their own devices, and frankly, it’s a harmful element to our tourism industry.”
While some supported putting lava all over the place, others have claimed it is merely the latest act of violence against the Mushroom Kingdom’s working class.
“These [Goombas and Koopa Troopas] have nowhere to go and we’re punishing them for it,” cried a local villager that was at the gathering outside of Peach’s castle . “ I mean, lava, really?! Do you think Chargin’ Chuck wants to hang out in the same spot all day? No, he’d love to still have a football stadium, but the only sports this snobby kingdom cares about anymore are Golf and Tennis. Hoity toity bullshit for a bunch of spoiled elites. This kingdom turned its back on the athletes, plumbers, and uh, treasure trackers that made this place what it was a long time ago. It’s really too bad.”
Others have defended the act, claiming the use of lava isn’t as severe as it seems.
“I get it, it sounds pretty hardcore and people are upset,” said Dave, a Goomba in town that has nothing but good things to say about the ruling class. “But it also keeps the village warm at night, so that’s actually kind of nice. Also, there’s lava all over the place out here. Have you ever been inside of Bowser’s Castle? You’ll think I’m lying, but lava comes out of the freakin’ pipes over there. So there’s a couple lava puddles here and there, big whoop. Most of us will be dead in a few days anyway.”
As of press time, Princess Peach also introduced her newest Director of Public Safety, a man in a cloud simply known as Lakitu.
